The following are the twelve common mistakes made during the child rearing process:
1 Spoiling a Child
Children should grow up realising what is possible and reasonable. A parent may give the child everything in the belief that the child will love them even more, or that the parent had to go without and they do not want the child to do the same. Both of these are mistakes and a spoiled child will grow up with unreasonable expectations which will never be satisfied.
2 Poor Discipline
Children need rules in their lives or they will be confused. They need to understand that if they break the rules, then something bad will happen. Initially the rules must be seen as fair and in the teenage years explained. A prime role of a parent is to establish a good moral code for their children.
3 Failing to get involved in School
Education is not just something taught in school; it should be an extension of the education that takes place at home. Teaching staff should be regarded as part of the team that brings knowledge and then understanding to the child. If the parent is not involved, the child will believe that the parent is not interested and that education is just an option in life.
4 Praising Mediocrity
In real life, people are not rewarded for being mediocre and it is therefore a mistake to reward children unless they demonstrate success. All this does is to establish an unreasonable expectation in the mind of the child. It also confuses them because they know if they have not been successful.
5 Failing to give responsibility
Children should be treated as children, but it is good to give them something for which they can take responsibility. They might be given responsibility for emptying the bins, feeding the cat or cleaning the back yard. The tasks should be explained to them, the standard required and the reason for doing it.
6 Not being a Role Model
Children learn from their parents; who else will they copy. If the parents are lazy, smoke, drink and swear constantly, there is a probability that their children will do the same. If a parent intends to be a role model, he will have to demonstrate behaviour superior to that which he expects from his children.
7 Setting Poor Expectations
People who expect little generally achieve it; those who expect too much are usually disappointed. A child's expectations should be tailored to his interests and ability. Just because a man wants his son to be a football star does not make it happen.
8 Not Teaching a child to Fend for Itself
All children need protecting but they all need to take care of themselves as well. A child that has not learned self reliance will remain dependent for ever.
9 Pushing Fashion Trends on the Children
Children are not fashion accessories or toys and should be allowed to make decisions for themselves as soon as they can. Girls may not wish to may their ears pierced.
10 Not being Consistent
If a child sees that a parent changes his mind, particularly if under pressure from the child, then the child will take advantage of the error. The result is a confused and damaged child and a household with a difficult child.
11 At the Teenager Stage, Failing to Explain
Few teenagers enjoy a lecture but may listen if a logical explanation is given. They may even be willing to discuss issues if treated as a thinking individual.
12 Criticising instead of Encouraging
Some parents cannot resist criticising their children in the belief that it spurs them on to greater achievement; it does not. People respond more to encouragement and criticism is usually demoralising.
As a Psychotherapist, I see adults who have been damaged by being subjected to one or more of the above mistakes. The issues can usually be corrected but it often takes decades for the child to reach the point where they are able to seek help. They have wasted lots of good years.
Clearly, there are many other things that a parent can do to damage their children such as abandoning them, abusing them or beating them. The above, however, are the most common "accidental" or "well meaning" errors made by parents.
There is no such thing as a perfect upbringing. If there was such a thing, it would include success, disappointment, pride, failure, fear, discipline, responsibility, work, stress, discussion, understanding, love and FUN. All these things are found in adult life and the perfect upbringing should prepare him for it.
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