About a week before, we were pulled aside by our son's full-time classroom aid. "You didn't hear this from me," she said," but they're going to try to get you to agree to a part-time aid next year. Don't let them - he still needs someone with him in the room all day. He just has too many things that he still needs help with, it won't work out." My wife and I were stunned. Not at her assessment - we knew our son still had a lot of issues with daily classroom activity, so that wasn't a big deal. What surprised us was more complicated than that - the feeling that what was in our child's best interest and what the IEP evaluators were trying to do were at odds. This was tough, because we knew we had to maintain good relationships with everyone on the special education team, and up until this point we'd never really disagreed on anything. We wanted to make our point and get what was best for our son, but do it in a way that didn't burn bridges.
We decided that the best thing to do was come up with a plan - maybe even call it a "system" if you want. If they could have a presentation all worked out beforehand emphasizing their points that tried to steer us towards the results they wanted, then we could do the same thing. It was just a matter of trying to figure out what they were going to say, and having an effective answer to it. Thanks to our son's aid, we already had a pretty good idea of the former, but coming up with the latter was going to be tricky.
The distance between a part-time aid and a full-time aid didn't seem to be that far apart, we just needed to close the gap. Both would be performing many, if not all, of the same duties. The only difference was that the part time aid could be used in different classrooms during the day. They already agreed that he needed some form of assistance during the day. That was our door in. All we had to do was open the door the rest of the way and show why he needed someone there with him all the time. But how? How would we prove to a roomful of education and special needs professionals that our way was right and their way was wrong?
The first thing we did was turn to other members of our support team for help. We reached out to all the doctors, therapists, and professional evaluators who we were already working with - anyone who we thought could provide some meaningful insight to our side of the argument. This may sound like a time consuming task, but it really wasn't - we already had good working relationships with all of these people, as well as a contact list that made it easy to get a hold of everyone.
What we arrived at was several different situations where it would be to our son's detriment to not have someone there with him all the time. We had specific examples, as well as recommendations from our group detailing the best way to handle or avoid those situations. Simple but effective - they say," He can do this, so he doesn't need an aid," we say, "Yes, we agree that he can. However, he still can't do this, so he does," and we had documentation we needed to back it up. We had the information; we just needed to work out the presentation.
Simple and effective seemed to be working for us, so we came up with is what we referred to as the "politician" approach. It works like this:
Every political party has their "main guy" or "public image" - he's the one who photographs well, shakes hands, kisses babies, makes small-talk, etc. He's the one everyone likes and gets along with. However, you can't always get things done by being nice all the time. Sometimes a line needs to be drawn, or policy enforced. The "main guy" can't be the heavy, because it would tarnish his image. So there's always someone in the background - the "enforcer," who handles all the dirty work. He has nearly as much power as the number one, but you just never see him because he's purposely not in the public.
This two person system ( a variation on good cop/bad cop) works, because policies get pushed through and agendas can be aggressively pursued while still maintaining a smiling face and good relationships.
Since my wife dealt with the teachers and school staff on an almost daily basis, she was the friendly face. I was the enforcer. It doesn't matter that I'm not a tough negotiator or cut-throat business man in real life; I just had to act like it. I had to be the bad cop who evoked sympathy for the good cop who then uses that to get the confession.
You know what? It worked. In fact, it more than worked - it sprouted wings and flew. It wasn't the most easy-going meeting I've ever been in, that's for sure. Yes, there were some tense moments. Yes, there was debate. But - no one ever raised their voice. No one interrupted someone else who was speaking. There was definitely give and take, and what we ended up with was a full-time unassigned aid. That is, there would be an aid there for our son at all times, just not the same person all day long. Perfectly acceptable solution and both sides left getting something they wanted.
We've had several IEP meetings since, and it's mainly the same group (for some reason the occupational therapist position seems to have a high turnover rate - who knew?). If anything, we all work together better now, and we still have a high level of mutual respect for each other. This is important to us, because we consider these exact educators and special education professionals to be a part of the same team mentioned before. Like any other group, there are going to be different dynamics and differences of opinion, but ultimately we're all working towards the same goal - providing the best options and resources for our son.
I don't know if this smooth flow of information and easy conflict resolution would be possible if we hadn't put in to place the "politician" model system that we still use. There's a clear chain of command, and a clear direction to the flow of information. If there's something that needs to be worked out in one area, we can draw on the resources and experience of others to help resolve the situation. It's a good system that anyone can use, and once you get it in place it will make everything infinitely easier to manage - from the mundane everyday getting-prescriptions-refilled-type stuff to the high-stress high-stakes meeting stuff, it all gets handled the same way.
I hope this gives some insight into the power of having a system, being prepared and executing effectively. While I realize that this example takes place in a special education setting, the principles and methods are universal and can be used in any situation. Don't wait for good things to happen, make them happen.
- John P.
John Pagano is the parent of a child with special needs. If you enjoyed this article, and would like to find out more about how to effectively manage the many situations you encounter as the parent of a child with special needs, or if you would like to read other articles regarding special education, parenting, and other topics, please visit ChildrenWith-SpecialNeeds.
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