So what's to be done? How can you make your child respect you? The quick answer is, you can't make your kid respect you. You can't make anyone respect you. However, there are some things you can do that will increase the likelihood that your kids will learn to respect you.
Respect is a nebulous concept, not a concrete object. People define it differently. Yet we all know it when we see it. Respect is an attitude of tolerance and dignity toward other people. It is based on valuing relationships. So how can you encourage respect in your child? There are three things you can do to help your child learn respect.
First, examine your own attitudes toward respect. Did you act respectfully toward adults when you were a child? Did you feel respected yourself as a child? Do you feel respected now by others? Do you act respectfully toward others? Before answering automatically, ask yourself deeper questions? "Do I treat my child with respect? Is she allowed to have her own dignity? Is he able to express his thoughts and feelings without being corrected or admonished by me? Do I treat my spouse or the other parent respectfully?" And in the larger world, ask yourself: "Do I ever cut people off in traffic? Do I ever behave arrogantly or rudely to clerks or waiters?" If your answers to any of these indicate trouble with respect, begin to dissect and examine your attitudes, statements, thoughts and feelings that you have toward others. Realize when you are being disrespectful to others.
Second, remember that respect is a two-way street. We can't demand respect, because that in itself is disrespectful. We cannot expect to receive respect when we refuse to give it ourselves. Instead, we encourage respect by showing it ourselves. If you are concerned about your child's attitude, discuss it with him or her in a calm, quiet way. Let him know that you feel hurt by his behavior. Let her know that when she is rude, it damages trust. Tell your kid that when he is disrespectful to you, you won't engage in the conversation or power struggle (and then leave the room). By discussing your child's behavior with him in a way that expresses how his behavior affects you is far more helpful than condemning his behavior or yelling at her that she stop being rude. And by disengaging when your child's behavior is way out of line sends the message that his actions are unacceptable.
Third, discuss situations with your child that involve respect. Don't tell your child how she should feel or behave. Ask questions to gauge her beliefs or stances: "What happened when the kid in your class challenged the teacher? How well do you feel the teacher handled it? Is there anything the teacher could have done differently? Is there anything the kid could have done differently?" Really listen and don't criticise your child's statements. Next, state what you believe: "I think both the teacher and your classmate overreacted." Or, "I hope the kid will apologize for disrupting the class."
This is really about forming a solid, healthy relationship with your child. Asking lots of questions, without judgment, allows your child to develop important critical thinking skills, which are imperative for building good character. If your relationship with your child is based on mutual respect now, it will carry on into the future, as a good relationship with your adult child, which is something you will treasure.
After trying these tips, if you still struggle with your child about issues of disrespect, please consult with a professional. Sometimes families can't do it all on their own, and that's OK. A few family sessions may help you to improve your relationship with your kid. It will also tell your kid that you are serious about this problem, and you want it to change.
Remember, your child is watching everything you do. If you show respect toward others, including her, she will learn it from you.
Lois is a licensed professional counselor in Georgia. She works with individuals, couples and families in her private practice, McClain Counseling and Family Therapy. She loves working with teens and young adults on issues about school problems, career choice, identity issues, family problems, anger management, stress, communication, and problem-solving. She also treats problems such as depression, anxiety, trauma, and self-injury.
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