1. We don't listen. If we can hear, we hear our kids, but how often do we really listen to them? All of us, including children, have a need to be heard; really heard. We need to get down to their eye level and hear their words and feel their emotions. It's another way of saying to them: "You matter to me." Our kids want their feelings validated and their ideas supported. At least once a day, take time out to just be with your child to listen. Let them know that right now, nothing else matters to me but you.
2. We say: "When I was your age, we had to... ". We live in a different world so times have changed. Also, if we think back, when our own parents said that to us, it did nothing to motivate us. The message we heard was: "I guess you see me as inferior to the child you were." That of course is not our intention but that's the message. Stay in the present.
3. We order our kids to do things, rather than ask respectfully. "Go clean your room right now!!" gets us nowhere. "Stop doing that right now!" usually evokes an internal response that goes something like this: "Make me." Or "I'll stop when I feel like stopping" or "Stop yelling at me. It makes me feel small and unloved". Our intention of course is none of those things. We're simply exercising our authority and most likely we're frustrated. When we use the phrase, "As soon as you've cleaned your room, I'll know you're ready to go to your friend's", and use it in a respectful voice, we get the co-operation we're looking for. If we want our kids to respect us, we have to show respect towards them. That doesn't mean giving up your authority, it means using it in a way that keeps your dignity, as well as your child's, intact.
Barbara Desmarais is a parenting and life coach and has been working with parents for over 20 years. To get more tips and insights on parenting visit her website at http://www.theparentingcoach.com.
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