12 Common Mistakes Made By Parents

Bringing up children is like walking through a minefield; there are so many potential mistakes that it is a wonder if any child grows up to be a normal, well adjusted adult. The response, of course, might be that few people grow up to be normal, well adjusted adults.

The following are the twelve common mistakes made during the child rearing process:

1 Spoiling a Child
Children should grow up realising what is possible and reasonable. A parent may give the child everything in the belief that the child will love them even more, or that the parent had to go without and they do not want the child to do the same. Both of these are mistakes and a spoiled child will grow up with unreasonable expectations which will never be satisfied.

2 Poor Discipline
Children need rules in their lives or they will be confused. They need to understand that if they break the rules, then something bad will happen. Initially the rules must be seen as fair and in the teenage years explained. A prime role of a parent is to establish a good moral code for their children.

3 Failing to get involved in School
Education is not just something taught in school; it should be an extension of the education that takes place at home. Teaching staff should be regarded as part of the team that brings knowledge and then understanding to the child. If the parent is not involved, the child will believe that the parent is not interested and that education is just an option in life.

4 Praising Mediocrity
In real life, people are not rewarded for being mediocre and it is therefore a mistake to reward children unless they demonstrate success. All this does is to establish an unreasonable expectation in the mind of the child. It also confuses them because they know if they have not been successful.

5 Failing to give responsibility
Children should be treated as children, but it is good to give them something for which they can take responsibility. They might be given responsibility for emptying the bins, feeding the cat or cleaning the back yard. The tasks should be explained to them, the standard required and the reason for doing it.

6 Not being a Role Model
Children learn from their parents; who else will they copy. If the parents are lazy, smoke, drink and swear constantly, there is a probability that their children will do the same. If a parent intends to be a role model, he will have to demonstrate behaviour superior to that which he expects from his children.

7 Setting Poor Expectations
People who expect little generally achieve it; those who expect too much are usually disappointed. A child's expectations should be tailored to his interests and ability. Just because a man wants his son to be a football star does not make it happen.

8 Not Teaching a child to Fend for Itself
All children need protecting but they all need to take care of themselves as well. A child that has not learned self reliance will remain dependent for ever.

9 Pushing Fashion Trends on the Children
Children are not fashion accessories or toys and should be allowed to make decisions for themselves as soon as they can. Girls may not wish to may their ears pierced.

10 Not being Consistent
If a child sees that a parent changes his mind, particularly if under pressure from the child, then the child will take advantage of the error. The result is a confused and damaged child and a household with a difficult child.

11 At the Teenager Stage, Failing to Explain
Few teenagers enjoy a lecture but may listen if a logical explanation is given. They may even be willing to discuss issues if treated as a thinking individual.

12 Criticising instead of Encouraging
Some parents cannot resist criticising their children in the belief that it spurs them on to greater achievement; it does not. People respond more to encouragement and criticism is usually demoralising.

As a Psychotherapist, I see adults who have been damaged by being subjected to one or more of the above mistakes. The issues can usually be corrected but it often takes decades for the child to reach the point where they are able to seek help. They have wasted lots of good years.

Clearly, there are many other things that a parent can do to damage their children such as abandoning them, abusing them or beating them. The above, however, are the most common "accidental" or "well meaning" errors made by parents.

There is no such thing as a perfect upbringing. If there was such a thing, it would include success, disappointment, pride, failure, fear, discipline, responsibility, work, stress, discussion, understanding, love and FUN. All these things are found in adult life and the perfect upbringing should prepare him for it.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Grahame_Milton-Jones

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When Parents Are Dictators: 2 Mistakes and One Big Solution

1. The Silent Dictator

He rules his family with no questions asked. His face somber shows no emotion and his voice is rarely heard. He intimidates with silence. When he does speak, members listen.

As a family counselor, I remember a dad who demanded his children drink a tall glass of carrot juice. Neither child could stomach it. The youngest thought, 'If I drink it fast, the taste won't last.'

The second child refused to drink it. He thought, 'You can't make me.' The dictator sat with him for one hour until he choked it down. Then he poured him a second glass.

Neither child forgot the experience. Because of this carrot juice incident and other rulings, one child became overly pleasing. Fear of displeasing others settled deep within her bones and affected her life's course. The second child rebelled. He complained about chores, schoolwork, and only wanted things his way.

One child walked on egg shells. The other dragged his stubborn feet. The dictator never knew both kids sneaked behind his back and did the things he had forbidden. He didn't know his dictating ways created a sneaky family culture filled with fear and rebellion.

2. The Tantrum Dictator

When a dictator bellows, members quiver. One mom's voice exploded throughout the neighborhood. She dominated her children with tantrums. The neighbors heard it and shook their heads.

This mother hated disorder so much that she seemed to use a magnifying glass to inspect her children's completed chores. Any little mistake with the dusting, a spot overlooked after mopping the kitchen floor, or a tool out-of-place in the garage could set her fuse on fire.

Oddly, her children made excuses for her to their friends, "Mom had a bad headache," they said. They knew that appearances counted. They needed to make their mother look good in order to make their family look good. Their family culture felt tense, uncomfortable, and unhappy because nothing was ever good enough.

The Parenting Problem

Most parents lose their tempers from time to time. That's normal. The problem comes when parents try to be in control of every minute of each family member's life. They make all the decisions about activities, behaviors, and rules. This extreme position causes fear, anger, and rebellion. It's not the kind of family culture most parents want.

Being the parent means you are your family's leader. Your age, experience, and wisdom can help guide your children. Your task is to raise healthy children with healthy personalities.Dictators don't do that.

The Big Solution - An Exercise

If you feel you are making mistakes by dictating too much, try the following exercise.

Ask yourself these questions:
1. Would I like to loosen my inner demand to control everything?

2. Would I praise more and criticize less?

3. Would I like my family's input for solving problems?

If you answered yes, then imagine being that family leader

. Close your eyes.

. Take 5 deep belly breaths and relax.

. Remember a time when you handled being the parent leader role well. Stay with that picture.

. Notice exactly how you felt and what you did.

. Step into that picture for a few minutes and be that better parent.

. Take 5 deep belly breaths again.

. Look ahead to a probable family situation you'd like to handle better.

. See yourself listening, asking for solutions, and praising good ideas.

. Stay with that picture. Enjoy the new behaviors. Feel the new feelings.

. When you're ready, open your eyes.

. Do this before you fall asleep at night and before you rise in the morning.

The Conclusion

If you have dictating tendencies, you can change. You don't need to use the silent treatment or temper tantrums. Use the solutions presented in this article.

Whenever you're in a challenging family situation, stop and think. Bring back the thoughts, good feelings and behaviors you developed from today's big solution exercise. Be the leader you want to be. Then notice the changes in your family culture.

Want to build your family culture? Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions will help make your home a center for love.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jean_Tracy

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Parenting: The Three Biggest Mistakes Parents Make And How To Correct Them

When we become parents we think it's something we should just naturally know how to do. The truth is; it's not. The only training we have is what we learned growing up. Most of us become the same kind of parents our own parents were, or we do the opposite of what we knew because it didn't serve us. Throughout my nearly twenty-five years of working with parents and twenty-eight years of being a parent myself, I've identified the three biggest mistakes most of us make, at least some of the time.

1. We don't listen. If we can hear, we hear our kids, but how often do we really listen to them? All of us, including children, have a need to be heard; really heard. We need to get down to their eye level and hear their words and feel their emotions. It's another way of saying to them: "You matter to me." Our kids want their feelings validated and their ideas supported. At least once a day, take time out to just be with your child to listen. Let them know that right now, nothing else matters to me but you.

2. We say: "When I was your age, we had to... ". We live in a different world so times have changed. Also, if we think back, when our own parents said that to us, it did nothing to motivate us. The message we heard was: "I guess you see me as inferior to the child you were." That of course is not our intention but that's the message. Stay in the present.

3. We order our kids to do things, rather than ask respectfully. "Go clean your room right now!!" gets us nowhere. "Stop doing that right now!" usually evokes an internal response that goes something like this: "Make me." Or "I'll stop when I feel like stopping" or "Stop yelling at me. It makes me feel small and unloved". Our intention of course is none of those things. We're simply exercising our authority and most likely we're frustrated. When we use the phrase, "As soon as you've cleaned your room, I'll know you're ready to go to your friend's", and use it in a respectful voice, we get the co-operation we're looking for. If we want our kids to respect us, we have to show respect towards them. That doesn't mean giving up your authority, it means using it in a way that keeps your dignity, as well as your child's, intact.

Barbara Desmarais is a parenting and life coach and has been working with parents for over 20 years. To get more tips and insights on parenting visit her website at http://www.theparentingcoach.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Barb_Desmarais

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