Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts

Top 10 List for Parents

Top 10 list for parents
What is the definition of a "good parent"? Is it someone who is nurturing? Someone who is a disciplinarian? Someone who is a buddy? Perhaps a "good parent" possesses each of these qualities and many more. The challenge of parenting is that each parent must come to know their child - -and themselves -- and make critical decisions regarding the type of parent they will be. I believe that the definition of a "good parent" is a parent who prepares their child to live a life where the parent is no longer needed. In short, a parent who allows themselves to become "not needed" is perhaps the parent who is doing the task of parenting well.

My children, 18 and 17, are continuing towards that ultimate goal. Each day they make decisions that are more and more " their own". In my work teaching parenting at a local community center I have often been asked by clients, "what makes a good parent?" Because the task of parenting is so daunting and each parent and child so unique, the answer to that question is one I approach carefully and thoughtfully and with much humility. Yet, I believe that better parenting makes for a better world and that parenting is done in concert with others who have lived and learned. Here are my suggestions:

1 - Say "yes" as much as possible. Saying yes does not mean no limits. You can say, "Yes, you can have a cookie AFTER you eat your dinner." or "Yes, you can play with your friend AFTER you clean your room."

2 - Hold on loosely but don't let go. Sure, it's a rock song, but it works in most relationships, especially parenting. The goal of parenting is to make dependent people independent in every way: socially, financially, spiritually and emotionally. I compare good parenting to a sledding slope. The first fives years are about the basics: getting all the required gear together, getting comfortable, finding the groove. This is the hard, physical and sometimes exhausting work. The next five years is the trek up the mountain where issues of trust in the parenting relationship are at their most delicate. Kids are asking, "Can I count on you?" during these times and parents must answer back, "Absolutely". The next five years is the trek down where it is all about just guiding and enjoying the ride and recovering from any wipe outs. Celebration and reflection are the hallmarks of this stage.

3 - Know the difference in covenant and contract. A covenant is an agreement based upon one person whereas a contract is an agreement based upon two people. Parenting is a covenant in the sense that love is there for children at no cost, expense or effort on their part. My children cannot earn my love, it is mine to give. There are things in the relationship, though, that need contractual agreements, not necessarily in the legal sense but in the agreement sense. "When you finish your homework, we'll go to the movie." or "when your grades rise, you can have access to the car."

4 - My children are not "mine". I'm grateful (and humble) for being a part of the process of creating my children but they are not mine. I do not own them and in fact, the role I have is to provide them the opportunity for them to be the "boss of themselves" not for me to be the "boss of them".

5 - My children are not to carry on my dreams. What a tremendous burden it is for kids to struggle under the weight of their parents hopes and dreams. I want my kids to have their own dreams, not be burdened with unmet dreams of my life. That means that when they are on the playing field of life -- either metaphorically or physcially - my role is to cheer on my kid and their team. My kids are not there to struggle under my past no matter how glorious or pathetic.

6 - Speak truth into their lives whenever possible. Parenting is an opportunity for parents to create an opportunity where children see themselves in the story of life. This means that parents can literally speak what can be into the lives of their children whenever possible. This is why the messages that parents give their children are so important because from a child's point of view the parent is the mirror in which they see themselves. Sometimes it may sound like a fiction story when you say d, "I know you can accomplish _____ goal!" And sometimes it may be the impossible dream. The goal of dreaming is to create a new reality that can be accomplished simply by seeing possibilities over obstacles, the good in the bad, the possible in the impossible.

Conversely, it is the parents role to guide the child into areas where they may be more suited. While I would never discourage my children to try new things I can see where they may have more natural gifts and can encourage their development in music, arts or athletics whenever I can. The ultimate decision for where I child goes, however, is their own.

7 - Be a screw up - I believe that kids need guidance, not perfection. In fact, I believe the role of parenting is to create completion not perfection. Parenting, by design, is as much about parents formation as it is the kids. This humble approach to parenting is transformative in that parents will learn as much about themselves and the world through the process of good parenting as the kids will.

8 - Companion to #7 - Say "I'm sorry" quickly - I have no problem saying "I blew it!" to my kids when appropriate. The reality is I blow it everyday. While it is humbling to realize that my kids already know more math skills than I ever will, it is also reassuring. No parent can know everything nor can any parent be everything for their child. A parent can, however, let their child know that they are cared for and that they are not alone.

9 - Have a partner - Whether married or not, parents need support. I am grateful for my husband of 21 years who is gifted in ways that I cannot ever be. As our kids have grown up I am comforted by how my husband can untangle a knot with our kids. At other times my parenting skill set may be more suited to a given situation. Knowing the needs of the child and what is most needed at the time is a skill to be learned as you know your child. Be patient with this process and with yourself. (Refer to 7 & 8 above!)

10 - Pray a lot - I believe that kids are part of life's design with a creator that knows everything they need before they ever take a first breath. In fact that is my prayer in the murky days of parenting, "YOU know what they need, help them in spite of me."


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The Rights of Parents

The Rights of Parents
The idea that individuals have rights springs from the vulnerability of every human being in the face of stronger forces. Our Declaration of Independence and Constitution are based on the idea that the purpose of government is not to protect the elite, nor to facilitate greed or self-interest nor to promote a religious group's agenda. Its purpose is to guarantee certain inalienable human rights for all people including our nation's posterity... our young citizens.

Most of us presume that parents have rights that give them exclusive power over their children, especially newborn babies. But the need to specify those rights only arises when things go wrong in families and in child-serving institutions. Unfortunately, the emotionally charged issue of parental rights arises quite often today. Parents compel state intervention when they neglect and abuse or dispute custody of their children. Minors give birth. Too many child-serving institutions are overburdened and unable to function effectively.

Even defining who is a parent can be complicated. With surrogate birth and artificial insemination, defining a mother and a father can be complicated. By eliminating the ambiguous term "natural parent" from its rules for establishing a legal parent-child relationship, the Uniform Parentage Act encourages courts to focus on the precise relationship a female or male has to a child. Is the relationship of each mother and father: 1) genetic, 2) birth (mother only), 3) functional, 4) stepparent, or 5) adoptive? A single child could have as many as nine different persons legally recognized as a parent by adding 6) foster, 7) step, 8) surrogate and 9) sperm or egg donor.

Parental Rights
Because of their obligations to their children, parents need rights or prerogatives to protect and fulfill the human rights of their children. Unfortunately, contemporary talk about human rights usually emphasizes the rights to benefits and overlooks the responsibilities that accompany those rights.

In the past, children have been treated as the personal property of their parents. Under Roman law, the patria protestas doctrine gave fathers life and death power over their children. To this day, the popular presumption is that children belong to their parents.

In contrast, since The Enlightenment of the Eighteenth Century, parenthood in Western cultures has been seen as a contract between parents and society by philosophers and evolving legal codes. Parents are awarded rights in exchange for discharging their responsibilities.

John Locke in the Seventeenth Century and William Blackstone in the Eighteenth Century held that parental rights and powers arise from their duty to care for their offspring. They recognized that no society can survive unless its children grow up to be responsible, productive citizens. Children also have the right to be raised without unjustified interference by the state. Taken together, these rights are called the right of family integrity. Both Locke and Blackstone held that, if a choice is forced upon society, it is more important to protect the rights of children than to protect the rights of adults.

Every man and every woman has a natural and Constitutional right to procreate. This principle could be reasonably applied when the onset of menarche was between sixteen and eighteen. Now that menarche appears on average at the age of twelve, we must ask if every girl and boy has a natural and Constitutional right to procreate. In the light of this question, the need for careful thought about parental rights and responsibilities is intensified.

The Child-Parent Relationship
James Garbarino, professor of psychology at Loyola University Chicago, points out that parental rights are influenced by personal and public views of child-parent relationships. Are children:
• the private property of parents,
• members of families with no direct link to the state, or
• citizens with a primary relationship with the state?

Children as Private Property
Parental rights have become the most protected and cherished of all Constitutional rights. They are based on the natural right to beget children and the likelihood that affection leads parents to act in the best interests of their children. The Fourth Amendment's protection of the privacy of the home and the Fourteenth Amendment's due process clause are interpreted to give parents legal and physical custody of their children. The popular presumption that children are the property of their parents therefore is understandable.

In the 1995 Congress, a Parental Rights and Responsibilities Act was introduced. It would have created a Constitutional amendment specifying absolute parental rights. It didn't gather support because the legal system already respects parental rights. It also would have made protecting children from neglect and abuse more difficult.

In spite of strongly held beliefs to the contrary, the legal system no longer considers children as property. There even is a genetic basis for the legal position that parents do not own their children. The genes we give them are not our own. Our own genes were mixed when they were transmitted to us by our parents. Our genes are beyond our control. We really do not own them. They extend back through previous generations and potentially forward into future generations. We are only the temporary custodians of our own genes and of our children.

Mary Lyndon Shanley, professor of political science at Vassar College, holds that an individual's right to reproduce and a parent's wishes cannot be the primary foundation of family law. The primary focus must be on children's needs and interests. The parent-child relationship is one of stewardship. Parental authority involves responsibilities beyond the parent's own wishes.

What's more, our legal system is based on the principle that no individual is entitled to own another human being. Guardians of incompetent adults are agents, not owners, of those persons. In the same way, the childrearing rights of parents consist of 1) the guardianship right (legal custody) to make decisions on behalf of a child and 2) the right to physical custody of the child. These rights are based on a child's interests and needs rather than ownership of the child. We certainly do not own our children.

Children as Family Members
Children are generally regarded as family members with no direct link to the state. The concept of parental rights sprang from traditions and Constitutional precedents that endow genetic and adoptive parents with special rights.

Parental rights are legal prerogatives based on the moral and civil rights of children to be nurtured and protected. They are based on the assumption that parents can best decide how to raise a child without undue interference by the state. Without a voluntary or involuntary forfeiture of parental duties, the state cannot permanently remove children from their parents' custody to seek a better home for them unless there has been a legal termination of parental rights.

Children as Citizens
Two trends have added the view of a child as a citizen. The first is the growing emphasis on the right of children to grow up without neglect or abuse. The second is increased limitations on parental control seen in child neglect and abuse laws, child labor laws, mandatory education laws, adolescent health care policies and parental responsibility laws. When parents do not fulfill their responsibilities, child protection services intervene and governmental agencies can assume legal and physical custody. Then the child's primary relationship is with the state as custodian.

Like other guardians, parents have the legal prerogative to make stewardship decisions. Society generally defers to their authority. The challenge is to encourage parents to act in the interests of their children rather than in their own selfish interests. Toward this end, lawmakers rely on persuasion and education to help parents fulfill their obligations. Because they are unresponsive to persuasion and education, some parents require legal interventions before and after a baby is born.

The Parent-Society Contract
James Dwyer, professor of law at William and Mary University, affirms that parental rights do not have a direct Constitutional basis. The emergence of children's rights reflects this position; our society has progressively and empirically limited the control parents have over their children's lives.

Dwyer endorses the Enlightenment view that persons who conceive and give birth enter an implicit contract with society to raise their children as responsible citizens. Damage caused by maltreatment extends beyond the individuals involved and gives our society a compelling interest in the wellbeing of our young.

Mark Vopat, professor of philosophy at Youngstown State University, also holds that a parent's obligations derive from an implicit contract with the state beyond the child. This parent-society contract provides a strong moral imperative for public efforts that ensure every child's safety and quality of life. Since a contract implies mutual obligations, the parents and society are accountable to each other. The government's role is reflected in debates about:

• Child wellbeing. Is it an entitlement? A privilege? A tool for social control? The trend is to view it as an entitlement.
• Adolescent childbirth. Who has legal and physical custody of a minor's newborn baby? Strictly speaking no one, but relatives and government policies support minor parents by default.
• Financial support. Is financial responsibility for a child purely a private matter or a public responsibility? Both. Federal and state laws mandate childrearing benefits in addition to financial child support from parents and sometimes grandparents.

In the parent-society contract, government plays a vital role in supporting parents in rearing children and preventing maltreatment. The intimacy involved in family relationships can't be provided by the state. It's the duty of families to rear children. Still, state and local governments are responsible for providing schools and safe neighborhoods to support childrearing. They can provide health insurance, tax deductions and welfare benefits as well.

Parents really do not need specifically defined rights. They have prerogatives that flow from their children's rights. Unfortunately, parental prerogatives and children's rights do not fit well in contemporary society. As examples, workplaces offer little accommodation for parents' childrearing duties, and, when children are held indefinitely in supposedly temporary foster care, their right to competent parents is unfulfilled.

Public policies must recognize that children have the right to be cared for by persons with an enduring commitment to, and the capacity for, parenthood. Public policies also need to recognize that in the parent-society contract, society must ensure that parents have access to essential childrearing resources. The parental rights debate would be resolved by shifting it from children as property to parenthood as a career. Parenthood is a parent-society, contract-based career with prerogatives derived from the responsibility to nurture a child and to advocate for the child's interests.

Being the loving mother or father of a child does not necessarily mean that one is qualified for legal and physical custodial rights. Parental love is insufficient for healthy child development. A minor or developmentally disabled person can be a loving mother or father without having parental rights. Persons even remain a mother or a father of a child after parental rights have been terminated and other parents have assumed motherhood and fatherhood roles through adoption or kinship care.

The Rights of Mothers
The laws of every state give the woman or girl who conceives and bears a child automatic recognition as the legal mother. Giving birth follows the physical relationship formed during pregnancy. These laws reflect an appropriately strong bias in favor of birth mothers, especially those who care for and form attachment bonds with their babies. This is complicated by surrogates who are not genetic mothers but who have a prenatal physical relationship with a newborn.

States seldom challenge genetic/birth motherhood unless compelling circumstances arise, such as a Child in Need of Protective Services petition filed before childbirth. Even in such cases, a newborn baby may be placed in foster care under state custody with the intention of rehabilitating the genetic/birth mother. This intent usually is not realized. A similar situation exists with children whose mothers are incarcerated with the expectation of maintaining the mothers' custody of their children. A 2009 study by Volunteers of America revealed that after release of their mothers from prison 81% of their children remained with their caregivers and did not live with their mothers.

Women and girls who give birth can decline parenthood by voluntary revocation of their parental rights through a Termination of Parental Rights proceeding to allow for adoption. Paradoxically, implicit recognition that minors do not have the judgment required for parenthood is reflected in the fact that minors require a guardian ad litem in order to terminate their parental rights and an adult or institutional payee to receive Temporary Aid to Families with Dependent Children benefits. An involuntary Termination of Parental Rights can be initiated after reasonable efforts to help parents meet return conditions have failed. Mothers' parental rights also can be terminated automatically at childbirth under circumstances such as previous involuntary terminations or murder of a sibling. In some states, third parties like foster parents can petition for the termination of genetic parental rights.

The Rights of Fathers
Unlike maternity, substantial Constitutional guidance has been provided for states in determining paternity. States must insure that men have the opportunity to seek to establish paternity. A genetic connection and a relationship with a child (or the effort to establish one) are necessary for Constitutional protection of a paternity claim.

To claim parental rights, males must register with putative father registries within varying time frames. Agencies are required to notify putative fathers of the mothers' adoption plans. Questions arise about the feasibility of making fathers aware of their need to register. In situations where genetic fathers don't want to acknowledge fatherhood, state agencies try to establish paternity through genetic testing, other biological evidence or acknowledgement by the mother or the father in order to seek child support payments.

A father's genetic tie can be overridden when a child's interests are better served by a man who is married to the mother and who has established a relationship with the child. In the 1989 U.S. Supreme Court case Michael H. v. Gerald D., the genetic father of a child produced during an adulterous relationship was denied paternity in favor of the father who was actually raising the child.

Parental Liability
The common-law doctrine of parental immunity has maintained that, in the absence of willful and wanton misconduct, children cannot sue their parents for negligence. In response to the magnitude of child neglect and abuse, most states and courts are beginning to define parental liability. As long ago as l963, an Illinois Appeals Court heard Zepeda v. Zepeda in which a child sued his father for having caused him to be born out of wedlock. Although that suit was unsuccessful, it raised the issue of a child's legal right to be wanted, loved and nurtured... in essence, to be competently parented.

Children have successfully sued their parents for negligence and have brought actions against third parties who alienate a parent from the family. In l992 in Orlando, Florida, eleven-year-old Gregory Kingsley legally "divorced" his mother so he could be adopted by his foster parents.

The Parens Patriae Doctrine
The most significant fact justifying state involvement is that children do not choose the families into which they are born. The parens patriae doctrine justifies state intervention as a part of the parent-society contract. Parens patriae is Latin for "father of the people." The doctrine grants the inherent power and authority of the state to protect people who are legally unable to act on their own behalf. It gives state courts the ultimate power to terminate parental rights and is based on three assumptions:

• Childhood and adolescence are periods of dependency and require supervision.
• The family is of primary importance but the state should play a role in a child's education and intervene when the family fails to provide adequate nurturance, moral training or supervision.
• When parents disagree or fail to exercise their authority, the appropriate authority to determine a child's or an adolescent's interests is a public official.

The parens patriae doctrine empowers the state to compel parents and minors to act in ways that are beneficial to society. It never presumed that the state would assume parenting functions. Instead, the state is responsible for protecting the best interests of children under the guidance of two principles:

• The wellbeing of society depends upon children being educated and not being exploited.
• A child's developmental needs for nurturance and protection are defined by child neglect and abuse statutes.

A 1985 decision by Canada's Supreme Court made a child's welfare paramount in disputes between genetic parents and third parties. In King v. Low, the Court stated that although the genetic parents' claims would receive serious consideration, they must give way to the best interests of the children when the children have developed close psychological ties with another individual. This view is taking hold in American courts as well.

Our legal system distinguishes between what parents can do to themselves and what they can do to their children. For example, parents can refuse essential medical treatment themselves but usually aren't allowed to do the same with their children. They also aren't permitted to physically harm their children, nor can they allow children to physically harm themselves.

Parents who fail to provide a minimum level of care, who abandon their children or who fail to provide supervision can be found guilty of neglect. Parents who physically, emotionally or sexually abuse their children can be found guilty of abuse. Parents who have been convicted of a serious crime, who abuse drugs or alcohol or who cannot meet return conditions after their children have been removed can be found unfit as parents. When persons cannot be persuaded or educated to become competent parents within a certain period of time, parental rights can be terminated to enable adoption.

State Liability
Despite the parens patriae doctrine, the liability of the state if it does not protect minors has not been clearly defined. In l989, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in DeShaney v. Winnebago County Department of Social Services that the state is not required by the Fourteenth Amendment to protect the life, liberty or property of its citizens against invasion by private actors.

Joshua DeShaney suffered brain damage from repeated beatings by his father at the age of four. As a result Joshua was expected to remain institutionalized for life. The U.S. Supreme Court rejected arguments that the state had a duty to protect Joshua because it once placed him in foster care and later because social workers suspected he was being abused by his father but took no action. It held that only "when the state takes a person into its custody and holds him there against his will" does the Fourteenth Amendment due process clause require officials to take responsibility for the individual's safety and wellbeing. At the same time, the Court did not rule out the possibility that the state acquired a duty to protect Joshua under tort law.

An appellate court in California upheld a local court's dismissal of a suit by a seventeen-year-old who alleged damage by mismanagement of his adoption as a newborn:

At the age of 17, Dennis Smith filed a complaint against the Alameda County Social Services Department alleging the agency was liable for damages because it failed to find an adoptive home when his mother gave him to the Department for the purpose of adoption shortly after his birth. The Department placed Dennis in a series of foster homes, but no one adopted him.

Dennis claimed that the Department negligently or intentionally failed to take reasonable actions to bring about his adoption. Therefore, he was deprived of proper and effective parental care and guidance and a secure family environment. Dennis alleged that this caused him mental and emotional damage.

The dismissal of Dennis' complaint was upheld in appellate court on a number of grounds, including the difficulty in directly linking his damage to the failure to arrange for his adoption. The court implied that liability could result with more convincing links between early life experience and later outcomes.

Cook County, Illinois, settled a claim out of court by an eighteen-year-old boy over the negligence of county social workers. In this case, the link between professional practices and damage to Billy Nichols apparently was made effectively:

In December of 1981, attorneys for the State of Illinois and Cook County paid $150,000 in an out-of-court settlement of a suit of a former dependent child, Billy Nichols, who had been entrusted to the child-welfare system and later as an adult sued the county social service agency for the negligence of social workers that kept Billy dependent and unfit to live in society.

On September l9, l960, Billy and his seven-month-old sister were abandoned by their mother and found eating garbage behind a skid-row mission in Chicago. Billy's age (approximately five) was unknown, and his speech was unintelligible. He was sent to an institution for the retarded in Michigan for four years. After a subsequent stormy foster-home placement, he was placed in Cook County's juvenile security prison for nearly three years, although the superintendent repeatedly petitioned the court to remove him.

In l969, a legal aid lawyer, Pat Murphy, filed a class-action suit to release dependent and neglected children from prison on behalf of Billy. At 14, Billy was transferred to Elgin State Hospital, where he ran away ten times and was committed to the Illinois Security Hospital at Chester at the age of 18. Three years later Attorney Murphy intervened to enroll Nichols in a psychiatric program for two years, until he was jailed for car theft.

Lawsuits continue to attempt to redress the adverse impact of foster care. Class action suits have been used to force improvements in child welfare services. In 1993 a class action suit was filed by the American Civil Liberties Union and the Children's Rights Project, Inc., against Milwaukee County and the state of Wisconsin for failing to adequately protect children. In response, the duties and authority of child welfare services were transferred from the county to a state Bureau of Milwaukee Child Welfare.

The Right to be a Competent Parent
To say that a parent has a right to be competent might stretch the notion of rights too far. However, the logic for this right in our society is compelling and worth considering.

First of all, by definition the child-parent unit is irreducible. One half of the unit is a parent, and one half is a child. The interests of children and the interests of parents are inseparable, and both derive from a child's goal of responsible citizenship.

When parents face dangerous environments, poverty, unemployment, illness or mental incapacities, their children inevitably face the same problems along with the risk of incompetent parenting. If children's interests are to be fulfilled, the interests of parents must also be taken into account. If children have a moral right to be competently parented, then parents have a moral right to be competent if they are not under the legal or physical custody of others.

A second reason is that the integrity of society itself depends upon competent parents. Incompetent parents threaten the stability of society and incur enormous public costs. Therefore, in this view becoming a competent parent deserves the status of a right.

Third, human beings have a genetic predisposition to parent competently in order to ensure the survival of our species. The goal of the reproductive cycle is parenthood, not just procreation.
Conceiving and giving birth initiate parenthood as the fruition of the parents' own developmental stages of childhood, adolescence and adulthood. In the most fundamental sense, competent parenthood fulfills the role of a woman or a man in the reproductive cycle. In order to preserve humanity and our society, adults have a right to fulfill their reproductive and parental potentials and for the state to help them become competent parents when possible.

Balancing the Rights of Parents and Minors
The essence of childhood at the beginning of the Twentieth Century was its dependency. Competent parents respected this dependency by judiciously exercising their authority. In the second half of the Twentieth Century, parental authority declined. As a result, childrearing has become a negotiation between parent and child with state and other agencies monitoring the process.

In the past, children were assumed to have capabilities we now rarely think they have because their labor was needed to help a family survive. In our efforts to give our children enjoyable childhoods, we tend to downplay their developmental need to assume responsibilities and obligations. Much confusion about adolescence is caused by stressful conflicts between adolescents' rights and their obligations to their parents. This highlights minors' responsibility to accept parental authority and to cooperate with their parents.

In some ways, the contemporary adolescent quest for independence represents a return to the time in which childhood did not extend beyond fourteen. The difference is that in earlier centuries persons were economically productive at the age of fourteen and were not capable of reproduction whereas now they have an increasing number of years, often beyond adulthood, before they become economically productive.

The shift in power from adults to children and adolescents has emotional and economic repercussions. Parents may now look to their offspring for emotional support and give them excessive material goods that stress family finances. This shift includes the ability of children and adolescents to bring legal proceedings against their parents for alleged abuse without justification. All of this has eroded parental authority. This trend toward overindulgence is further abetted by the exploitation of adolescents as consumers.

Although our tradition of individual autonomy has largely kept government out of the family, the law is moving toward defining the limits of parental power. The Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Act of 1974 removed "status offenses" of incorrigibility and running away from juvenile delinquency. They are now regarded as related to inadequate or inappropriate parental authority rather than as acts stemming solely from the adolescents. The focus has shifted to therapeutic interventions.

When family matters are brought into the legal system, the interests of children, parents and the state need to be carefully identified and balanced to determine the appropriate rule of law.

Valuing the Parental Rights of Competent Parents
If all parents and child-serving institutions served children's developmental interests, the issue of parental rights seldom would be raised.

Parental rights are no longer based on the presumption that children are property. Legal and physical custodial rights enable parents to discharge their responsibilities in a parent-society contract that provides a strong moral imperative for public efforts to ensure children's safety and quality of life. Parental rights really are prerogatives essential for discharging the duties of parenthood.

A shift from the rights of parents to the best interests of children has gradually emerged in our courts. Parents who fail to meet specified conditions can have their parental rights terminated to permit adoption of a child. Most states have set aside the parental immunity doctrine so that children can sue their parents under certain circumstances.

We can balance the interests of children, parents and the state if we truly value competent parents.


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Four Letter Words Every Parent Should Use

Four Letter Words Every Parent Should Use
Rearing children has never been an easy task. Children are human beings in an underdeveloped state and just like their adult counterparts; they exhibit personality traits that can be challenging. Unfortunately, more and more parents are opting for the easy way out and not promoting healthy development in their children. More and more parents are focusing on the intellectual and athletic development of the child ignoring the psychological and sociological development. What is a parent to do? Are there enough words to help develop a truly well rounded adult? Below you will find the best four letter words every parent should use to rear healthy, competent, loving, and happy children.

TIME


"Quality Time vs. Quantity Time" has been kicked around for two decades as a way of absolving parents from their key responsibility: rearing their children. Bussing children around from one sporting event to another is not quality time. Only one in 16,000 children will grow up to be a professional athlete. How many "Hall of Famers" have you heard thank their little league coaches? Unless that person was a parent, the answer is none. How many wealthy men have left their fortune to any of these groups? However, wealthy men who left vast amounts of money to the Boy Scouts of America for the same reason: promotion of values, family involvement, and civic involvement. A parent must ask the following questions: Why am I carting my children off to all these events? Is it truly for the child or are you living vicariously through the child? Are you using your child as a status symbol? When we are together, are we talking about the child, or the activity? One last question, ask your child what the child would love to do if the child could choose the activity. If your child truly thinks of you as a parent and not a dictator (one who dictates activities) then the answer might surprise you.

PLAY


Playing is a child's work. It is through play that a child discovers and develops certain skills. A two-year-old needs to learn how to roll a ball back and forth, and preliminary social skills not the alphabet. A parrot can memorize the alphabet, and a chimpanzee can learn sign language. There is no great skill or higher intelligence in that. Playing is a child's version of stress release. It seems odd that someone who in 1968 could enter first grade without knowing how to read, attend a school day that included two fifteen minute recesses and an hour lunch, during a school year that began the day after Labor Day and concluded before Memorial Day and still grow-up to graduate college and end up a CEO of a major company. Why do we think that play is a waste of time? Play is fun. It makes you laugh thus lowering blood pressure, includes using various muscle groups through activity which keeps weight down, and is multi-dynamic: teaches life lessons, sharing, patience, reading, problem solving, arithmetic, rhythm, strategy, cause and effect, decision making, honor, self-worth, dignity, self-esteem, etc. Anytime a child plays any game, even if alone, a valuable lesson is learned. Just because a self-absorbed workaholic parent cannot see that does not make it less true. It is even more important for children to have parents play with them. Educational television is the poorest substitute for parental involvement, the parent is the primary educator in a child's life. Do you really want your child to talk about playtime with an animated character as the happiest childhood memory?

Video games only count if they last for an hour or less, and the whole family is actively involved. A child that spends more than an hour, and worse, alone playing video game does not gain any tangible intellectual, physiological, psychological, or sociological reward. Bill Gates does not own a video game system.

TALK/DINE


Children want parents to talk with them, even when they say, "Nothing" or "I don't want to talk about it." How will a child know what is important in life if the parent will not talk to the child? One of the best times to talk with your child is at the dinner table, not in some restaurant, fast or five stars, but in the safety and quiet of home. Home is safe base; it is a time for the child to have the parent alone. Practice rephrasing questions so that they are open-ended, cannot be answered with "yes" or "no." Parents need to listen to their children and talking with them about their day even if the events may not seem important or educationally sound to you. It does not matter the child's nationality, creed, race, or favorite team most of them will answer this question the same way:

PARENT: "What did you do in school today?"
CHILD: "Nothin' "

It is surprising how many parents accept that answer carte blanche. Many adults answer that question the same way when "work" is substituted for "school." The reason is simple, school is repetitive, the same subjects everyday. The child is just regurgitating an auto response. The teacher or teachers are teaching and the child is learning. Try reframing: "Did anything new, exciting, interesting, insane happen today?" The humor of the question will flip the auto switch off, and the choices will hit upon a memory. Unfortunately, parents want to hear about the joys of arithmetic, writing, reading a classic. If parents will honestly recall their own childhood, they will remember that PE, art, recess, etc. were their favorite times, too. The object is to accept this answer, expound upon it and lead the child toward the academics. Share some of your own experiences, good and bad.

Let your children know what you value and why. Why must the child make all As? Is it for a better future for them, or parental bragging rights at work? Studies have shown repeatedly that the B-C student is the most successful in life because the student understand failure is transitory and the student has the power, ability, to effect change upon the grade; the student is not the grade.

PRAY


It is not the fact that God has been removed from schools but that parents have removed Him from the home. A child who is given a spiritual support system tends to handle the difficult moments in life. The world is not worse, contrary to popular belief; however, the coping skills are nonexistent. Everyone needs to know that there is a Higher Force in control when they have lost control. It does not matter how this Higher Force manifests itself as long as it is positive. A centering prayer is a good way to help a child refocus when Life throws a curve ball. Prayer can give a parent the needed time to rephrase before reacting in a harmful manner, whether physically or verbally.

Pray with your child, for your child, for yourself, for others who encounter your child.

WORK/EARN


Children need to learn that money, privileges, items, grades, etc. are earned not owed. Children get a true feeling of accomplishment when they work and earn something. A parent does not help a child by giving the child everything the child wants without earning it. A baby chick that is helped out of the shell instead of pecking its way out is not strong enough to survive. It is true with children who never learn the value and accomplishment of earning something through work. A parent who completes a child's homework because the child says it is too difficult sends one of two messages: the child is not capable of completing the work, or the parent is a tool to be manipulated. Work with the child, reframe for the child, teach the child to ask the teacher for help, but do not complete the assignment for the child. Often a child is frightened of failure, or the unknown outcome and is looking for reassurance from the parent. When a parent gives in the child's unspoken fear is now validated: I'm not smart/strong/good enough.

LOVE


You may not always like your children but you must always love them. It is important that parents tell children often that they love them. All children go through periods of doubt, especially when they have committed some offense. Children do not always "know" that parents love them. If a parent cannot say the words, "I love you," to a child something is wrong and the child will interpret it as rejection. Things are not love, love belongs to people not to things. It is not money that is the root of all evil but the love of money. A child will reciprocate to the world the love received at home.

Lust is not love. Children need to learn that sexual desire does not equate love. If a child is not shown love at home, hugs for example, then the child will seek that physical connection somewhere else. Children need to be loved in a safe and accepting environment in order to grow into loving adults.

Love carries an obligation to be good, kind, and gentle to those who are weaker. Love means that, though someone makes you angry you have no right to harm them or hate them. As a parent, you need to teach your child to let go of the hate and anger created by the child's actions or the actions of others. Love does conquer all but you have to let go of hurt feelings to experience that caused the anger.

HOPE


Children need to know that "the sun will come out tomorrow." Children need to know that no matter how hard a situation becomes it will get better, it might take some time, but it will get better. Children need to know that they are a parent's hope for the future. The parent knows the world will be better because they are in it. The truth is because of hope the world will get better.

LIFE


Life is not fair. Life is not easy. Life happens. Life is disappointing. Life is boring. Starting in the mid-70s parents decided they needed to protect children from Life. You cannot. Children need to experience life in order to learn how to navigate past the difficult parts. Children who are taught they can say or do anything they wish without consequences fail in life. Life means "no" more times than "yes." The work force has taken a serious turn toward the worst because children have not learn the meaning of "no," discipline, responsibility, honor, pride, or love.

Life is beautiful because other people share in it. Life offers many fulfilling opportunities the most important of which is the number of diverse people in it. Life is rewarding because of the beauty it holds through Nature. Life is worth living because of every single life each person touches whether the other person realizes it at the time or not. Every child's life has a purpose and it is the obligation of every parent to encourage every child to seek and fulfill that purpose.

REAL


Aging teaches children the difference between reality and fantasy as long as the parent guides the child through the process. It is not reality to give children everything they want because that is not Life. Children who do not learn that there is a hierarchy will fail to become productive in the business world. The real world teaches everyone that there will always be someone else to whom they answer. Even someone who owns a business is accountable to suppliers and customers. The real world proves every day that an adult who throws a tantrum is either mentally ill or immature and not to be taken seriously.

In the real world, there are consequences for actions. Physics, every action has an opposite and equal reaction, cannot be denied forever even if it seems a person has gotten away with an illegal or unethical activity. Every Holy Book has some equivalent of "what goes around comes around." Children need to know that a parent cannot always rescue them from problems of their creation.

WANT/NEED


There is a huge difference between want and need. Children, by their egocentric nature, want everything. However, if a parent provides too many material things to a child at an early age then how does the child learn appreciation or gratitude? If a child needs the latest style in clothes in order to express individuality, or an item because everyone else has one, or a high tag item to fit in and the parent gives in without explanation, then parent has proven to the child material possessions are more important than personal growth.

A prime example of this is the perceived need for portable media devices. There was a time when a family trip afforded the perfect opportunity for families to reconnect. Only family members were allowed because the point was family togetherness. The long drive's entertainment included talking, singing (either to the radio or family songs when the airwaves were not available), arguing, reading, crossword puzzles, or travel size version of board games. Now, however, cars are equipped, or can be equipped with DVD players, each child has an individual handheld video game, several members may have MP3 players, or a member is on the cell phone all this going on in place of true communication. Children literally tuning out the world with their parents on the outside. Even when the family shops children and their parents can be seen ear plugged into MP3 players, and cell phones. It is interesting to note that more and more youth retreats and school field trips no longer allow children to bring their electronic devices. One reason is a security issue; however, behind that is an issue that schools are finally starting to address: personal communication between students.

Children's worlds are by nature egocentric, it is a parent's job to help them ascertain between want and need. Take an inventory of a child's room and see how many wanted items have been set aside and neglected for the latest fad.

FREE


What is a list of four-letter word without the "F" word? The entire list if items are free to every individual and maybe that is the problem. In today's society, most individuals are wary of anything that is free. People have been trained to believe that the most expensive is the best, the most exclusive the ultimate. It is important to understand the essence of the human being: to be love, understood, wanted, and productive. All unhappiness can be found in a shortage in one, or all, of those four. Fortunately, all can be attained and parents are the most important supplier.

All parents want the best for their children. However, the past thirty years have placed modern parenting on shifting sand and maintained this precarious foundation through pseudo-educational-psychological smoke and mirrors. Professional educators, child psychologists, and toy manufacturers have made millions on the backs of well meaning but ill- prepared parents. Stop the decline by introducing four letter words into your child rearing vocabulary.



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/188579
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Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage

Why Parents Should Put Children Before Marriage
We live in an age when love, sex and intimacy seem to be many people's epitome of happiness. Yes, we seek other ways to find happiness and fulfillment, but the rate of divorce and the percentage of single parent families compared with two-parent families tells me that parenting is either of less importance to parents than marriage or that they are uninformed about the effects of divorce on their children. Parents who leave an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children are not in possession of all the facts or are misguided in their belief that divorce is in the best interest of the children. The best wisdom out there says that children of divorce suffer more than children of unhappy marriages.

Here are 7 reasons why parents should put parenting before marriage.

1. Children need two parents more than they need a perfect home
The influence of both a male and female parent on a child's development cannot be understated. A good mother, on balance brings a nurturing, protecting and comforting aspect to a child's life, while a good father brings his child stability, security and strength. Mothers tend to be more emotional, fathers more rational. Mothers tend to be more understanding, fathers more decisive. A good mother may offer her child a shoulder to cry on while a good father may show his child how to get up and move on.

Of course, a good parent possesses all these qualities and shares the responsibility for providing their child with all their needs. But it is in the nature of a male parent to provide a child with answers and solutions and direction while it is more inherent in a female parent to be protective of a child's emotional well-being and to be a good listener without feeling the need to give her child a logical solution to their problem.

Having both a male and female parent present in the home teaches a child how to explore and develop both the masculine and feminine aspects of their own character. In balanced adults there is a healthy presence of both male and female characteristics. In women, the balance will tend to be more feminine and in men, more masculine. If a child is to have the best chance to develop emotional stability then two parents are needed on a daily basis. Even the slightest change in the balance will have an adverse effect on a child's emotional and intellectual development.

2. A child has a right to be brought up by two parents
Marriage is a choice that two people make for themselves. It is rarely a selfless or altruistic act. People marry because they find someone who brings them happiness and fulfilment in life. Of course, there is also the promise to live to make the other person happy. Even though the phrase "for better or for worse" is still often said in the marriage vows, more and more this promise is being broken as married couples find it's a promise they are unable or unwilling to keep.

However, when a child is born into the marriage, it has rights which far outweigh the needs of the parents. Even though a couple desire to be fulfilled in their personal relationship with each other, a child has the right to be brought up by two loving, caring, selfless parents: parents who put their child's interests before their own.

Parents rarely make a commitment to their children when they are born, but children ought to expect that their parents will do whatever it takes to give them a stable, loving home in which to grow and develop. In a good parent, the rights and needs of their child will always come before their own, whatever the cost to themselves.

3. To be a parent is a moral obligation - not a choice
There is never a time as long as a parent and a child are living when they will not be connected. Even if estranged, a parent will always be the parent to their child. There is no divorcing a child. There is no saying to a child 'I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore, this simply isn't going to work'. But when two parents say that to each other, they are in some measure saying it to their child. Parents may put a spin on divorce by saying to the child 'it's better for you in the long run' but the truth is - it isn't. A child's perspective will be 'you don't love me enough to stay together and make your marriage work' - even if only subconsciously. While some may say 'I'm glad my parents split up - I couldn't stand the shouting', what would they have said if their parents had found a way to make the marriage work in order to keep the family home together? Or are they even aware of the effects that growing up in a broken home has had on them?

The love between a husband and wife can wane or even be extinguished, but the love of a good parent is unconditional and unmovable. A marriage can breakdown and be dissolved, but the love that a good parent has for their child can never be diminished and their commitment to their child can never be undermined or broken. The commitment that a parent has to their child is not one based on choice, it's one based on moral obligation. It would be even better if it were based on unconditional love. What lengths would a good parent go to to provide their child with the very best upbringing they could if they truly loved them more than themselves?

4. A child deserves and expects it
During their formative years, children depend upon both parents to show that they are committed to them. They need to see that they are loved and to know that their home is stable and secure. They need to know that no matter what storms the family has to face together, the foundations of the family home cannot be shaken. Children need the certainty that the love their parents have for them comes above their own personal happiness - that it indeed comes before their love for each other. When a parent puts a child's interests second to their own it will make their child feel unloved and second-rate. The child will begin to doubt their own worth and their value to the parent. After all, what kind of love puts someone else second?

If a child doesn't deserve a parent's unconditional and undying love then who does? Children are vulnerable and need protecting. Parents have a responsibility to give their child the best parenting they possibly can whatever the cost to themselves. A child has no reserves on which to draw to cover the emotional shortfall which results from growing up in a broken home. Parents, on the other hand should be prepared to go into emotional debt if they have to in order to make sure their child does not grow up emotionally poor or crippled.

5. Spouses can expect too much from each other, but children never expect too much from their parents.
Marriages are not perfect, neither are parent-child relationships. But a child deserves understanding, provision, support, affection, and security moreso than a spouse. After all, when two people get married, they make an agreement to love each other and provide for each other's needs. When a child is born, no such agreement takes place. A child simply grows up expecting all that's coming to them. When one person in a marriage fails to uphold their part of the agreement, the other has every right to withdraw their own part of the agreement. So often, when the love that one has for the other depends on what they 'get' out of the relationship, if they ain't 'getting' then the love dies. But this only works one way with a child-parent relationship.

When a child fails to be a perfect child, a parent cannot abandon them or withdraw their love from them. The child still has the right to expect to be loved unconditionally. Children owe nothing to their parents, but parents owe everything to their children. If a child fails to love a parent as they would like to be loved, the parent must go on loving their child nonetheless. The child has no debt of love to pay to the parent. But if a parent loves their child unconditionally, that child will grow up to love their parent too. If a parent fails to love their child more than themselves, the child will withdraw from the parent to a greater or lesser degree.

Even though good parents will fail their child in some measure, a child's expectations of the parents are always right - even if unrealistic. Good parents will always understand that they are not married to their child - they are inextricably connected and committed to their child and that a child has a birthright to expect unreserved love and commitment from their parents regardless of how much a child returns their parents' affections or lives up to their expectations.

6. A broken home results in a broken child
Somewhere along the way, when a child is brought up by one parent or by two parents who live apart, something in the child is lost or broken. Having two parents who could not find it in themselves to stay together to give them a stable home will have a detrimental effect on a child. It may not emerge till later in life, but a person from a broken home may find it difficult to make strong emotional connections with others. Statistics show that people from single-parent homes are less successful in life - even years afterwards - than those from two-parent families.

While parents may argue that they split up for the child's sake, in actuality, it's rare that divorce ever benefits a child. Growing up in a home even where parents are disconnected or in constant disagreement gives a child more stability and normality than growing up where they have to deal with the loss of the two-parent home. A child growing up in a broken home grows up grieving for the intact home where two parents are available on a daily basis to provide them with the moral, emotional and intellectual support essential to their development and nourishment. The best parenting cannot be done over the telephone or on weekends. The best parenting is done on a daily basis and in partnership with the other parent. No matter how parents try to justify divorce, it will nearly always result in a broken child.

7. Putting parenting first may save a marriage
Children should never be used as an excuse not to leave a marriage, but they can be the reason why a parent would stay in a marriage. The difference is that if a parent knows that to provide their child with a stable, loving and peaceful home in which to grow up will give them the best possible start in life, it may give them the resolve they need to work harder at their marriage than if they had not been a parent. Whereas, not leaving a marriage for the sake of a child is a mindset which can result in a parent putting too much responsibility on their child to bring them personal happiness.

If parents can proactively take steps to make a marriage workable so that their child has the home they deserve, they may find that their marriage becomes less of a disappointment. Focusing on the needs of their child and resolving to work at their relationship for the sake of their child doesn't necessarily mean that the marriage is false or a sham. It merely shifts the priorities of the marriage. Nor does it mean that the child carries the burden of keeping the marriage together. It merely requires a level of giving to the child that supercedes the parents' desire to take from each other. Providing a child with a good home is one of the best reasons two people can stay together.

Who said that romance or sex or a great social life are the only reasons to be married? Surely, providing a child with a loving home is as good, if not, a better reason for working at a marriage than all the others put together? The result of working at the marriage wouldn't be to prevent the pain of separation for the parents, it would be the enduring and immeasurable investment that they make in the well-being and personal development of their child. If parents can keep their child the focus of their ambitions and desires, they can find ways they otherwise wouldn't have done to make their marriage workable and as enjoyable as possible and thus provide their child with the parents and the home they deserve.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/3643009
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How Parents Contribute to a Child's Personality

How Parents Contribute to a Child's Personality
The part of the world, where I hail from, is strictly eastern. Here there is an extensive care and attention is given to a child's upbringing process. Positive traits are administered and negative habits are discouraged. But this is not how a child gets to create his moral fiber. The indirect influence of a parent's personality and the verbal instructions both have their parts to play in a child's life, whether accepted or not by most of our elders.

Let us take the example of a mother who tried to spend a few hours each day with her children, telling them stories from her own life and those from history and other references that she has had her hands to. After a few years, her children were well ahead of most other children of their age. It is because they knew the meaning of time and learning. However, she could not save them from careless and irresponsible behavior as far as their work lives were concerned a decade later. It is because the father figure demonstrated one such personality. He was for most part of his life, jobless. Above all, he would come home in the evening after his so-called, 'job hunt' and beat his children and scold his wife. He was never sparing time for his children and would never have a word about their progress in studies and other matters of life. They were the matter of concern for their mother. But it did not restrict the passive passing on of negative manners to the children.

There is the example of another father who overrated his love for his children. There came a time when the children went their own way, sure of their father's love. But without the proper instruction from their father, they were poor in studies and lacked ambition.

Another example is of parents who are not true to their partners. One such example led to children taking the same route as their parents. Parents who beat their children to instruct them do more harm to a child's person. They do not understand their children and as Newton's Third Law states, 'Every action has a reaction'; so these children lack understanding of their parents too. Moreover, they lack in confidence too, so much so that it is hard for them to take on simple challenges such as excelling in their work or getting good grades.

Children watch everything and catch every vague and clear signals alike. If you think that only words are enough, you are wrong. They are cleverer than you think and much more receptive than any adult individual. Instead of blaming them later, it is better you administer some very good attributes with much care and attention. Besides, everyone is capable of doing well, only if he has some depth of character and that comes from parents fundamentally and later on from other influences.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Saima_Akhtar_Gill
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When Parents Are Dictators: 2 Mistakes and One Big Solution

When Parents Are Dictators: 2 Mistakes and One Big Solution

1. The Silent Dictator

He rules his family with no questions asked. His face somber shows no emotion and his voice is rarely heard. He intimidates with silence. When he does speak, members listen.

As a family counselor, I remember a dad who demanded his children drink a tall glass of carrot juice. Neither child could stomach it. The youngest thought, 'If I drink it fast, the taste won't last.'

The second child refused to drink it. He thought, 'You can't make me.' The dictator sat with him for one hour until he choked it down. Then he poured him a second glass.

Neither child forgot the experience. Because of this carrot juice incident and other rulings, one child became overly pleasing. Fear of displeasing others settled deep within her bones and affected her life's course. The second child rebelled. He complained about chores, schoolwork, and only wanted things his way.

One child walked on egg shells. The other dragged his stubborn feet. The dictator never knew both kids sneaked behind his back and did the things he had forbidden. He didn't know his dictating ways created a sneaky family culture filled with fear and rebellion.

2. The Tantrum Dictator

When a dictator bellows, members quiver. One mom's voice exploded throughout the neighborhood. She dominated her children with tantrums. The neighbors heard it and shook their heads.

This mother hated disorder so much that she seemed to use a magnifying glass to inspect her children's completed chores. Any little mistake with the dusting, a spot overlooked after mopping the kitchen floor, or a tool out-of-place in the garage could set her fuse on fire.

Oddly, her children made excuses for her to their friends, "Mom had a bad headache," they said. They knew that appearances counted. They needed to make their mother look good in order to make their family look good. Their family culture felt tense, uncomfortable, and unhappy because nothing was ever good enough.

The Parenting Problem

Most parents lose their tempers from time to time. That's normal. The problem comes when parents try to be in control of every minute of each family member's life. They make all the decisions about activities, behaviors, and rules. This extreme position causes fear, anger, and rebellion. It's not the kind of family culture most parents want.

Being the parent means you are your family's leader. Your age, experience, and wisdom can help guide your children. Your task is to raise healthy children with healthy personalities.Dictators don't do that.

The Big Solution - An Exercise

If you feel you are making mistakes by dictating too much, try the following exercise.

Ask yourself these questions:
1. Would I like to loosen my inner demand to control everything?

2. Would I praise more and criticize less?

3. Would I like my family's input for solving problems?

If you answered yes, then imagine being that family leader

. Close your eyes.

. Take 5 deep belly breaths and relax.

. Remember a time when you handled being the parent leader role well. Stay with that picture.

. Notice exactly how you felt and what you did.

. Step into that picture for a few minutes and be that better parent.

. Take 5 deep belly breaths again.

. Look ahead to a probable family situation you'd like to handle better.

. See yourself listening, asking for solutions, and praising good ideas.

. Stay with that picture. Enjoy the new behaviors. Feel the new feelings.

. When you're ready, open your eyes.

. Do this before you fall asleep at night and before you rise in the morning.

The Conclusion

If you have dictating tendencies, you can change. You don't need to use the silent treatment or temper tantrums. Use the solutions presented in this article.

Whenever you're in a challenging family situation, stop and think. Bring back the thoughts, good feelings and behaviors you developed from today's big solution exercise. Be the leader you want to be. Then notice the changes in your family culture.

Want to build your family culture? Character Building: Problem Stories for Family Discussions will help make your home a center for love.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jean_Tracy
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Divorced Parents - Tips For Parenting After Divorce

Divorced Parents - Tips For Parenting After Divorce
Divorce statistics from the US Census Bureau indicate that as many as 61% of divorces involve families with children under 18. Parenting is difficult under the most ideal circumstances, parenting after divorce can seem like an impossible task. In most cases the divorce process is not amicable. The two parents are not on good terms and co-parenting can seem unattainable but for the sake of your children you need to do your best to work with their other parent. This will ease the transition of the children from life as a nuclear family to life with divorced parents.

While not comprehensive and definitely not guaranteed to make parenting after divorce easy, the following tips can greatly increase your effectiveness as parents.

For All Divorced Parents:
  • Your children are hurting as much or more than you are
  • Don't try to get them to take sides
  • Your children still need two parents involved in their lives
  • Try to make major parenting decisions together
  • Be flexible with visitation schedules when possible
  • Give your kids as much say as possible on when they see their other parent
  • Your children will likely still have hopes of you re-uniting with your ex for years after the divorce
  • Your children may not be supportive of you dating
  • Your children don't want to hear you bad-mouthing their other parent
  • Your children don't want to be used as messengers
  • Don't over-extend yourself financially to maintain all of their pre-divorce activities and lifestyle.
For Custodial Parents:
  • Your children still love and miss the non-custodial parent
  • Keep the non-custodial parent informed of school, sports, and church events
  • Don't use the excuse that the child support was late for not doing things, even if that is the reason.
For Non-Custodial Parents:
  • Your children want to know you care by spending time with them
  • Your children are hurt deeply if you don't show up when you are supposed to
  • Don't substitute money or gifts for spending time with your children
  • Your children want you to come to their school, sports, or church activities
  • Your children want to hear from you regularly even if you can't be with them
  • You have a moral and legal obligation to pay child support. Just do it.
  • Don't expect all of your support money to be spent specifically on the kids, That's not how it works
These are just a few bits of advice for parenting after divorce. Each situation is different so all of these may not apply in your case, but if you can implement as many as possible your children will thank you for it.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Greg_Lengacher
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How to Be a Good Parent

How to Be a Good Parent
We all want to be a good parent. But with anything there is sacrifice involved. Good kids aren't born; they are made. Parenting is a tough job. Every child is an individual and comes with their unique set of problems. So what can we do as parents to make sure that we have good kids?

Firstly, make sure you have a good relationship with your child before you ever try to discipline them. Discipline should always be from a base of love and understanding. If you do not listen to your child, don't expect them to listen to you. Parenting is a two way street. We need to establish a relationship of trust with our children. They need to know that we are available to talk to them when they need to talk about things.

You might need to develop an interest in things they are keen on, even if it is not your personal choice. I always try to read the sports pages of the newspaper so that I am up with the latest on soccer and rugby teams. Why? Because I know it matters to my three boys. By showing them that I have an interest in it I can connect with them much more readily. You see, I am coming into their world. My boys appreciate the fact that I know who is the captain of the Broncos and who got booted out for bad behaviour last week.

Another thing that is important is to talk when they want to talk. This is especially true of teenagers. Teenagers spend so much time with their peers and not so much with their parents that if your teen says "mum I need to talk about something", you need to grab hold of that opportunity. If your child wants to talk to you, you need to talk to them.

We also need to be prepared to talk to our kids about what matters to them. This is important, because often we think their idea of what to talk about is silly. But if it matters to your child it should matter to you. Once you can talk to your child about things that are important to them, you are more likely to get them talking back to you about things that matter to you.

Lastly, allow your child to negotiate for things with you. This is how the real world operates. Give your child the chance to earn things for good behaviour, just as you give them a consequence for bad behaviour. It needs to work both ways. Your child should understand exactly how to have something good happen to them. Tell them how they can get good consequences for doing good things. Don't leave them in the dark. Let them know clearly what the expectations are and what will happen if they go the extra mile for the family. A good parent will remember these things.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kim_Patrick
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The Main Responsibilities of Parents

The Main Responsibilities of Parents
Nothing exemplifies the miracle of life more than children and parenting is a noble duty indeed. You must agree that parenting is a very spiritual assignment and what happens is that there is a transference of spirit in every aspect of parenting. Of course you must understand that there are several forms of parenting with biological being just one of them. The others include societal, spiritual and technological. Societal parenting is where the saying that 'It takes a village to raise a child' comes to life. Technological is more of apprenticeship while spiritual has to do with impartation of the spirit of God.

The roles of parenting however seem to apply to all levels of parenting and they take their cue from God who is the ultimate Father. They include:

The parent is the source - You as a parent are the beginning of the life of your child and so you must do everything right as far as the welfare of the child is concerned. Look at it this way, anything that comes from you is a part of you and you would not harm yourself now, would you?

The parent is the sustainer - As a sustainer of the life of your child, you are to do everything in your power to ensure that this life continues. The quality of life here is important. You are to provide for all the needs of that child. There are the basic needs and also the secondary needs that you must take care of. This is where you are expected to provide shelter, food, clothing and a decent education for your children. Health care is just as important and you must ensure as a parent that your child gets the medical attention they deserve when need arises.

The parent is the nurturer - Nurturing your children does not in any way mean pampering them. It is making sure that you bring the best in them and it does include a lot of disciplining. Loving your children means that you have to bring order where there is disorder even when you have to bring out the rod at times. Only exercise caution and do not flog them like the village thief. At the end of the day they should have the assurance that you love them and learnt the lesson intended.

The parent is the protector - As a parent you will do anything within your power to ensure that no harm comes your children's way. A good parent will protect his/her children with his life, if it comes to that.

The parent is the leader - Any parent will tell you that children do what they see you do more than what they hear you say. The parent is the leader and you must lead by example. Children watch and what they see in you they will emulate. You know, you are their hero so they will copy your every move.

These are pointers that luckily for some they come as second nature. Others on the other hand have to be reminded to be that exemplary parent. While you cannot be expected to be perfect, it is worth your while, and your children's future, to put these into practice.

Parenting is a God-given, noble responsibility that must be approached with soberness. This responsibility is given to us such that God expects us to have the same results in raising the children He has given to us as if He was raising them Himself.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Josephine_N_Josiah
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Dealing With the Terrible Twos - Tips For Parents

Dealing With the Terrible Twos - Tips For Parents
It is quite remarkable how that little angel can turn you into a jibbering wreck in a heartbeat. How is it that the person that was totally compliant can become so obnoxious so suddenly. It's called the terrible twos. What it requires for you as a parent is to understand that your child's perceptions of the world are changing and changing faster than they can cope with.

Toddlerhood does not have to be a bad time - for either of you. In fact, it should be the best of times for your child and for you as you share the journey of learning and growing together. And it is worth remembering that you are not alone. Many parents have similar problems with children between two and four. As the toddler fails to cope, they frequently throw tantrums when things do not fit with what they wanted and the emotions flow strongly. It is nothing unusual.

It is not worth worrying overly if you are having problems. Keep reminding yourself that it is all about your child finding their way in life at what is for them, a tricky time. It is absolutely nothing to do with your qualities as a parent - you are not a bad parent, just a parent waiting to learn a better way that works for your specific toddler.

They're learning and changing so much both mentally and physically that sometimes it's hard for them to take in and process all of these new emotions and experiences. This is a time of great change. What is more is they do not have the communication tools that we can command - the word "no" comes out a lot.

Here are some easy ways to deal with the problems associated with the terrible twos and the toddler tantrums that come along for the ride and for when it just seems so hard:

1. Stay calm and do not get mad if your child wants his or her way. The best thing you can do is just be there. With you there, they can become successful in their adventures. Never mind that their adventures may seem little to you - it's a big deal for them.

These adventures are often totally harmless and not a problem at all. Be aware that this is part of a wider scope of your toddler's activities and interests. With that insight you can find the path forward. Put yourself in your child's shoes for a while and think about the things they have learned, are learning and have yet to learn.

2. Your child needs time from you. Find a good balance of quality time and enough time with your child. Do not fall into the trap that many parents do who think that full attention for only ten minutes a day is enough. Children require much more time than that with their parents each day.

Stay calm if your child is constantly calling for your attention. The child is just looking to tell you or show you something. This need not take a lot of time. It is amazing how a little amount of attention will help your child get along the path. Delight in the sharing rather than begrudge it.

3. When a toddler is unable to hold in his emotions, his emotions will suddenly explode in what is popularly called a tantrum. Tantrums are not that hard to understand. They occur because of pent-up emotions that your child cannot express any other way. They simply have not yet learned how to cope or how to express their feelings. These feelings seem so strong that they produce strong negative emotions. The toddler does not understand your issues, only his or hers. Keep quiet and let the child finish the tantrum. Let it flow and it will go. When it has all gone by is the time to talk about it and talking in their language, not yours.

4. The terrible twos toddler will often put out some strange behaviours. Ignoring is a powerful tool if you want to make changes, but this does need to be selective and strategic. For example, a child will say something out of the blue, like "damn". Often, this is no more than the child simply be laying down a bit of a challenge to see how you will react.

The child will soon forget the word because he or she does not know what it means - as long as it is not commonly used around the home, that is. You will need to be consistent with this approach and it helps to get your partner to do the same.

5. Possibly one of the most important approaches for the terrible twos is routine. The compliant baby copes quite well with the ever changing things in life. The toddler starts to struggle. Routine is what they respond to as it provides a level of structure and certainty which can become a comfort zone. Create one.

An experienced parent aiming to help others to live their dreams, to breathe their dreams. Getting a grasp of Terrible Twos Information will help you to live yours.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mark_S_Carrington
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Become a Successful Parent

Become a Successful Parent
How can we Become a successful parent? Becoming a successful parent is every parent goal in parenting. New parents wonders how can they become successful. First time parents are worried whether they can do the job of feeding, bathing and playing with the newborn while doing other chores aside from taking care of the child.

And as the child grow, parenting become more complex and difficult. In any phase of parenting, it is not easy but rest assure that there is help out there. Every day, parents face questions like how to build self-esteem and self-sufficiency to the child? How to discipline the child for bad behavior without causing any harm?

In order to become successful in any of these areas, the first thing you have to remember is that your child is an individual and is unique from any other child. Some children are very resilient, quick to learn and easy to manage while others are stubborn and are extremely sensitive.

The first step to becoming a successful parent is to learn what is going to work for your child. Most child rearing experts advises against any kind of corporal punishment. So what do you do instead? what do you do when your child suffers from low self-esteem and that your efforts at praise has failed.

In other words, becoming a successful parent is really about patience and consistency. One of the healthiest approach on how to become a successful parent is to teach him the laws of cause and effect. If you believe in teaching your child about cause and effect,there will be no question about how best it is to provide discipline or positive feedback.

Discipline your child using the GOLD standard. This make use of tickets earned being obedient and loving. These tickets can also be used to what they deserved,like watching TV if they had been good. It does not advocate corporal punishment for any misbehavior by the child. It teaches parent how to use the proper discipline when dealing with such issues.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Felicidad_Pacyado
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A Message For Parents: You Have the Power

A Message For Parents: You Have the Power
When a child is diagnosed with autism, parents tell me they experience a range of emotions, from shock to despair to hopelessness, often with very little encouragement or light at the end of the tunnel. There is no "The bad news is this, but the good news is that". It's "the bad news is your child has autism, and the worse news is there is no cure and he probably will not have a very good outcome". Some parents are still told they should just focus on their 'normal' children because the one with autism will likely not amount to much. One family relayed a heartbreaking story of a professional that not only informed them their child had autism and should be institutionalized, but also that they should put him in 'time out' and spray him with a water gun every time he flapped his hands as a form of self-stimulation, as if he were a house-pet that were peeing on the couch. This is a child that likely did not make an association between behavior and consequences and probably was living within a very confusing sensory-perceptual experience. And this was not 20 years ago, but more like 5.

I am here to tell you that while there still is no 'cure' for autism, there IS a tremendous amount that you as a parent can do for your child to help him lead a very meaningful, joyful and enriching life. Your child can make significant progress and have a wonderful life. You also can have a "normal" life, as a parent of a child with autism. You can choose to focus on those things that will enhance your child's development AND create a high quality of life for you and your entire family. In addition, you can choose not to feel guilty that you may desire to do something different than what is commonly expected in the autism treatment world. Only you can know what feels right for your child and family's situation.

My hope is that you as a parent can experience freedom to choose what works for you and your family. Historically there has been a lot of fear in the autism field. This fear has come through in the design of treatments that initially focused on the appearance of 'normalcy' without giving thought to the internal experience of the person being treated. In addition, people with autism were also not treated with much dignity or respect. Therapies that are based on the theory of the old model often seem to be more concerned with changing behavior to make 'normal' people feel more comfortable, as opposed to leading to improvements in Quality of Life (i.e. Employment, Relationships, Independence).

Parents are given a large injection of fear throughout the assessment and treatment planning process ("If you don't get him to do X by the time he is 5, it will never happen"). In many cases, families are provided with a diagnosis and immediately corralled into a range of therapies in an attempt to 'cure' the child by the time he is in Kindergarten. Be very mindful of this tendency to base decision-making on fear. If you are feeling fearful, you are more likely to operate out of a fight-or-flight mode, which is reactive instead of proactive. If you are operating out of fear, it is highly likely the approach to your child's autism will take the form of 'treatment', 'cure', or 'fixing' him (even if those words are not used). Your child may very well perceive judgment and shame, and may come to learn to 'go through the motions' to appear acceptable to others. Don't make decisions "because everyone else is doing it", but instead carefully consider how an approach will help your child and what impact it will have on the entire family's quality of life.

Some families have enormous success with the traditional treatments and others keep searching because their child needs something different. In my practice, I have attracted those families who have more complex children that have not responded as well as their parents had hoped. For those brave souls who keep searching and who not only do not give up on their child, but who also may be among the first to stray away from the traditional path - I applaud you. It takes courage to go to a parent support group or talk to parents in a waiting room and have them ask you why you are not doing X, Y or Z therapy like every other parent who has a child with autism? Surely you must know that the only way you can recover your child to a 'normal' state is if he spends all his waking hours with people other than his immediate family so they can perform "intervention" on him. Has no one asked the question of what would happen to a "normal" child if he spent 40 hours a week in highly directive, one-sided therapeutic settings, constantly bombarded with questions and 'testing' of his knowledge? Would he maintain his natural motivation to be with people, or would he want respite from their demands?

I am not saying that some children don't benefit from structure or repetition, but I am saying that as a parent, know that what your child needs most for healthy development are things that only YOU can provide. Children need a strong foundation of safety and security to anchor them in the world. This is even more true for children (and adults) with ASD because individual neurological vulnerabilities and differences make them more prone to becoming stressed. I don't necessarily mean 'emotionally' stressed, though that may be the case, I am also referring to the fact that people on the autism spectrum are often operating from a state of panic and overwhelm. This occurs on every level, from the level of sensory processing to emotional regulation to social interaction to cognitive functioning. It's like a house of cards where some of the bottom cards are missing - the slightest breeze, and the whole house comes down.

As a parent you can give your child a solid, strong foundation so he develops the following capacities that are important for a high quality of life:

• Desire to connect and share with others
• Ability to recover from stressful situations and setbacks
• Competence in Relationships
• Motivation to explore new things and try new challenges
• High level of self-awareness
• Self-Regulation for as much independence as possible
• High sense of self-worth and self-esteem
• Self-expression through creative pursuits and hobbies
• Cultivation of special talents
• Feeling loved and accepted for who she is

If you as the parent have the most power to support your child, does that mean you have to go it alone? Of course not. You can seek emotional support through local and online parent groups as well as work with a variety of professionals who can guide you on your path. Knowing you have the power to help your child does not mean that you have to sacrifice your whole existence to autism either. You can prioritize those things that will make the most impact on helping your child live in the 'real world' (as opposed to an artificial compensatory environment where he looks good as long as there are no unexpected surprises). You can hire babysitters to give you a break and you can use therapies strategically to get the most benefit while conserving your (and your child's) energy.

You will likely move through different phases in your child's treatment over his lifetime, and there is no one 'right' way to go about it. If you understand from the beginning that there is not a cookie-cutter approach to treating every child and that you can learn to assess at any point in time exactly what he needs right now, you will relieve yourself of a lot of guilt and anxiety about your decisions. Keep these words in mind: "This is for now, NOT forever."

Here are a few things you can do daily to support one of the most basic foundations children need, safety and security:

• Cuddle with your child. Did you know that facial gazing, synchronized breathing and touch boost brain chemicals important for bonding and social interaction? If your child is too old to cuddle, there are Tactile Integration programs out there that look like a massage, which provide much-needed organized input for your teen or adult family member with autism.

• Make a point to smile and make eye contact with your child any time she meets your gaze. This is for the same reason as mentioned above.

• Give your child a 'job' to do so he experiences himself as an important part of the family. Put him in charge of feeding the dog or emptying the dishwasher. If he is too young or needs help to complete his chore, do it with him (not for him). Some children develop a brand new sense of competence and motivation when parents give them roles like this.

• Spend time daily to be with your child side by side without placing any demands on him. This means nonverbal demands as well - don't constantly orient toward your child every time he makes a move. Don't lean your face in to his face. If you have a tendency to talk too much, be quiet. Give yourself a short time frame to get started with and gradually expand the time. (Note that watching TV together does not count).

• Adjust your pace so that you and your child are in "rhythm". If you are frantically prompting and repeating questions three times before your child can respond, then your communication is not balanced. Slow your pace and give your child time to respond. Be mindful of a 1:1 ratio of communicative attempts if possible.

These are general suggestions to get started with bonding and creating an atmosphere conducive to developing those capacities that are required for a higher quality of life.

April Choulat teaches parents, educators and therapists around the world how to build brighter futures for children with autism by using innovative approaches based on the latest research. Get her FREE ezine and articles at http://www.pathwaysdlc.com.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=April_Choulat
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