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Top 10 List for Parents

Top 10 list for parents
What is the definition of a "good parent"? Is it someone who is nurturing? Someone who is a disciplinarian? Someone who is a buddy? Perhaps a "good parent" possesses each of these qualities and many more. The challenge of parenting is that each parent must come to know their child - -and themselves -- and make critical decisions regarding the type of parent they will be. I believe that the definition of a "good parent" is a parent who prepares their child to live a life where the parent is no longer needed. In short, a parent who allows themselves to become "not needed" is perhaps the parent who is doing the task of parenting well.

My children, 18 and 17, are continuing towards that ultimate goal. Each day they make decisions that are more and more " their own". In my work teaching parenting at a local community center I have often been asked by clients, "what makes a good parent?" Because the task of parenting is so daunting and each parent and child so unique, the answer to that question is one I approach carefully and thoughtfully and with much humility. Yet, I believe that better parenting makes for a better world and that parenting is done in concert with others who have lived and learned. Here are my suggestions:

1 - Say "yes" as much as possible. Saying yes does not mean no limits. You can say, "Yes, you can have a cookie AFTER you eat your dinner." or "Yes, you can play with your friend AFTER you clean your room."

2 - Hold on loosely but don't let go. Sure, it's a rock song, but it works in most relationships, especially parenting. The goal of parenting is to make dependent people independent in every way: socially, financially, spiritually and emotionally. I compare good parenting to a sledding slope. The first fives years are about the basics: getting all the required gear together, getting comfortable, finding the groove. This is the hard, physical and sometimes exhausting work. The next five years is the trek up the mountain where issues of trust in the parenting relationship are at their most delicate. Kids are asking, "Can I count on you?" during these times and parents must answer back, "Absolutely". The next five years is the trek down where it is all about just guiding and enjoying the ride and recovering from any wipe outs. Celebration and reflection are the hallmarks of this stage.

3 - Know the difference in covenant and contract. A covenant is an agreement based upon one person whereas a contract is an agreement based upon two people. Parenting is a covenant in the sense that love is there for children at no cost, expense or effort on their part. My children cannot earn my love, it is mine to give. There are things in the relationship, though, that need contractual agreements, not necessarily in the legal sense but in the agreement sense. "When you finish your homework, we'll go to the movie." or "when your grades rise, you can have access to the car."

4 - My children are not "mine". I'm grateful (and humble) for being a part of the process of creating my children but they are not mine. I do not own them and in fact, the role I have is to provide them the opportunity for them to be the "boss of themselves" not for me to be the "boss of them".

5 - My children are not to carry on my dreams. What a tremendous burden it is for kids to struggle under the weight of their parents hopes and dreams. I want my kids to have their own dreams, not be burdened with unmet dreams of my life. That means that when they are on the playing field of life -- either metaphorically or physcially - my role is to cheer on my kid and their team. My kids are not there to struggle under my past no matter how glorious or pathetic.

6 - Speak truth into their lives whenever possible. Parenting is an opportunity for parents to create an opportunity where children see themselves in the story of life. This means that parents can literally speak what can be into the lives of their children whenever possible. This is why the messages that parents give their children are so important because from a child's point of view the parent is the mirror in which they see themselves. Sometimes it may sound like a fiction story when you say d, "I know you can accomplish _____ goal!" And sometimes it may be the impossible dream. The goal of dreaming is to create a new reality that can be accomplished simply by seeing possibilities over obstacles, the good in the bad, the possible in the impossible.

Conversely, it is the parents role to guide the child into areas where they may be more suited. While I would never discourage my children to try new things I can see where they may have more natural gifts and can encourage their development in music, arts or athletics whenever I can. The ultimate decision for where I child goes, however, is their own.

7 - Be a screw up - I believe that kids need guidance, not perfection. In fact, I believe the role of parenting is to create completion not perfection. Parenting, by design, is as much about parents formation as it is the kids. This humble approach to parenting is transformative in that parents will learn as much about themselves and the world through the process of good parenting as the kids will.

8 - Companion to #7 - Say "I'm sorry" quickly - I have no problem saying "I blew it!" to my kids when appropriate. The reality is I blow it everyday. While it is humbling to realize that my kids already know more math skills than I ever will, it is also reassuring. No parent can know everything nor can any parent be everything for their child. A parent can, however, let their child know that they are cared for and that they are not alone.

9 - Have a partner - Whether married or not, parents need support. I am grateful for my husband of 21 years who is gifted in ways that I cannot ever be. As our kids have grown up I am comforted by how my husband can untangle a knot with our kids. At other times my parenting skill set may be more suited to a given situation. Knowing the needs of the child and what is most needed at the time is a skill to be learned as you know your child. Be patient with this process and with yourself. (Refer to 7 & 8 above!)

10 - Pray a lot - I believe that kids are part of life's design with a creator that knows everything they need before they ever take a first breath. In fact that is my prayer in the murky days of parenting, "YOU know what they need, help them in spite of me."


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/418787
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The Rights of Parents

The Rights of Parents
The idea that individuals have rights springs from the vulnerability of every human being in the face of stronger forces. Our Declaration of Independence and Constitution are based on the idea that the purpose of government is not to protect the elite, nor to facilitate greed or self-interest nor to promote a religious group's agenda. Its purpose is to guarantee certain inalienable human rights for all people including our nation's posterity... our young citizens.

Most of us presume that parents have rights that give them exclusive power over their children, especially newborn babies. But the need to specify those rights only arises when things go wrong in families and in child-serving institutions. Unfortunately, the emotionally charged issue of parental rights arises quite often today. Parents compel state intervention when they neglect and abuse or dispute custody of their children. Minors give birth. Too many child-serving institutions are overburdened and unable to function effectively.

Even defining who is a parent can be complicated. With surrogate birth and artificial insemination, defining a mother and a father can be complicated. By eliminating the ambiguous term "natural parent" from its rules for establishing a legal parent-child relationship, the Uniform Parentage Act encourages courts to focus on the precise relationship a female or male has to a child. Is the relationship of each mother and father: 1) genetic, 2) birth (mother only), 3) functional, 4) stepparent, or 5) adoptive? A single child could have as many as nine different persons legally recognized as a parent by adding 6) foster, 7) step, 8) surrogate and 9) sperm or egg donor.

Parental Rights
Because of their obligations to their children, parents need rights or prerogatives to protect and fulfill the human rights of their children. Unfortunately, contemporary talk about human rights usually emphasizes the rights to benefits and overlooks the responsibilities that accompany those rights.

In the past, children have been treated as the personal property of their parents. Under Roman law, the patria protestas doctrine gave fathers life and death power over their children. To this day, the popular presumption is that children belong to their parents.

In contrast, since The Enlightenment of the Eighteenth Century, parenthood in Western cultures has been seen as a contract between parents and society by philosophers and evolving legal codes. Parents are awarded rights in exchange for discharging their responsibilities.

John Locke in the Seventeenth Century and William Blackstone in the Eighteenth Century held that parental rights and powers arise from their duty to care for their offspring. They recognized that no society can survive unless its children grow up to be responsible, productive citizens. Children also have the right to be raised without unjustified interference by the state. Taken together, these rights are called the right of family integrity. Both Locke and Blackstone held that, if a choice is forced upon society, it is more important to protect the rights of children than to protect the rights of adults.

Every man and every woman has a natural and Constitutional right to procreate. This principle could be reasonably applied when the onset of menarche was between sixteen and eighteen. Now that menarche appears on average at the age of twelve, we must ask if every girl and boy has a natural and Constitutional right to procreate. In the light of this question, the need for careful thought about parental rights and responsibilities is intensified.

The Child-Parent Relationship
James Garbarino, professor of psychology at Loyola University Chicago, points out that parental rights are influenced by personal and public views of child-parent relationships. Are children:
• the private property of parents,
• members of families with no direct link to the state, or
• citizens with a primary relationship with the state?

Children as Private Property
Parental rights have become the most protected and cherished of all Constitutional rights. They are based on the natural right to beget children and the likelihood that affection leads parents to act in the best interests of their children. The Fourth Amendment's protection of the privacy of the home and the Fourteenth Amendment's due process clause are interpreted to give parents legal and physical custody of their children. The popular presumption that children are the property of their parents therefore is understandable.

In the 1995 Congress, a Parental Rights and Responsibilities Act was introduced. It would have created a Constitutional amendment specifying absolute parental rights. It didn't gather support because the legal system already respects parental rights. It also would have made protecting children from neglect and abuse more difficult.

In spite of strongly held beliefs to the contrary, the legal system no longer considers children as property. There even is a genetic basis for the legal position that parents do not own their children. The genes we give them are not our own. Our own genes were mixed when they were transmitted to us by our parents. Our genes are beyond our control. We really do not own them. They extend back through previous generations and potentially forward into future generations. We are only the temporary custodians of our own genes and of our children.

Mary Lyndon Shanley, professor of political science at Vassar College, holds that an individual's right to reproduce and a parent's wishes cannot be the primary foundation of family law. The primary focus must be on children's needs and interests. The parent-child relationship is one of stewardship. Parental authority involves responsibilities beyond the parent's own wishes.

What's more, our legal system is based on the principle that no individual is entitled to own another human being. Guardians of incompetent adults are agents, not owners, of those persons. In the same way, the childrearing rights of parents consist of 1) the guardianship right (legal custody) to make decisions on behalf of a child and 2) the right to physical custody of the child. These rights are based on a child's interests and needs rather than ownership of the child. We certainly do not own our children.

Children as Family Members
Children are generally regarded as family members with no direct link to the state. The concept of parental rights sprang from traditions and Constitutional precedents that endow genetic and adoptive parents with special rights.

Parental rights are legal prerogatives based on the moral and civil rights of children to be nurtured and protected. They are based on the assumption that parents can best decide how to raise a child without undue interference by the state. Without a voluntary or involuntary forfeiture of parental duties, the state cannot permanently remove children from their parents' custody to seek a better home for them unless there has been a legal termination of parental rights.

Children as Citizens
Two trends have added the view of a child as a citizen. The first is the growing emphasis on the right of children to grow up without neglect or abuse. The second is increased limitations on parental control seen in child neglect and abuse laws, child labor laws, mandatory education laws, adolescent health care policies and parental responsibility laws. When parents do not fulfill their responsibilities, child protection services intervene and governmental agencies can assume legal and physical custody. Then the child's primary relationship is with the state as custodian.

Like other guardians, parents have the legal prerogative to make stewardship decisions. Society generally defers to their authority. The challenge is to encourage parents to act in the interests of their children rather than in their own selfish interests. Toward this end, lawmakers rely on persuasion and education to help parents fulfill their obligations. Because they are unresponsive to persuasion and education, some parents require legal interventions before and after a baby is born.

The Parent-Society Contract
James Dwyer, professor of law at William and Mary University, affirms that parental rights do not have a direct Constitutional basis. The emergence of children's rights reflects this position; our society has progressively and empirically limited the control parents have over their children's lives.

Dwyer endorses the Enlightenment view that persons who conceive and give birth enter an implicit contract with society to raise their children as responsible citizens. Damage caused by maltreatment extends beyond the individuals involved and gives our society a compelling interest in the wellbeing of our young.

Mark Vopat, professor of philosophy at Youngstown State University, also holds that a parent's obligations derive from an implicit contract with the state beyond the child. This parent-society contract provides a strong moral imperative for public efforts that ensure every child's safety and quality of life. Since a contract implies mutual obligations, the parents and society are accountable to each other. The government's role is reflected in debates about:

• Child wellbeing. Is it an entitlement? A privilege? A tool for social control? The trend is to view it as an entitlement.
• Adolescent childbirth. Who has legal and physical custody of a minor's newborn baby? Strictly speaking no one, but relatives and government policies support minor parents by default.
• Financial support. Is financial responsibility for a child purely a private matter or a public responsibility? Both. Federal and state laws mandate childrearing benefits in addition to financial child support from parents and sometimes grandparents.

In the parent-society contract, government plays a vital role in supporting parents in rearing children and preventing maltreatment. The intimacy involved in family relationships can't be provided by the state. It's the duty of families to rear children. Still, state and local governments are responsible for providing schools and safe neighborhoods to support childrearing. They can provide health insurance, tax deductions and welfare benefits as well.

Parents really do not need specifically defined rights. They have prerogatives that flow from their children's rights. Unfortunately, parental prerogatives and children's rights do not fit well in contemporary society. As examples, workplaces offer little accommodation for parents' childrearing duties, and, when children are held indefinitely in supposedly temporary foster care, their right to competent parents is unfulfilled.

Public policies must recognize that children have the right to be cared for by persons with an enduring commitment to, and the capacity for, parenthood. Public policies also need to recognize that in the parent-society contract, society must ensure that parents have access to essential childrearing resources. The parental rights debate would be resolved by shifting it from children as property to parenthood as a career. Parenthood is a parent-society, contract-based career with prerogatives derived from the responsibility to nurture a child and to advocate for the child's interests.

Being the loving mother or father of a child does not necessarily mean that one is qualified for legal and physical custodial rights. Parental love is insufficient for healthy child development. A minor or developmentally disabled person can be a loving mother or father without having parental rights. Persons even remain a mother or a father of a child after parental rights have been terminated and other parents have assumed motherhood and fatherhood roles through adoption or kinship care.

The Rights of Mothers
The laws of every state give the woman or girl who conceives and bears a child automatic recognition as the legal mother. Giving birth follows the physical relationship formed during pregnancy. These laws reflect an appropriately strong bias in favor of birth mothers, especially those who care for and form attachment bonds with their babies. This is complicated by surrogates who are not genetic mothers but who have a prenatal physical relationship with a newborn.

States seldom challenge genetic/birth motherhood unless compelling circumstances arise, such as a Child in Need of Protective Services petition filed before childbirth. Even in such cases, a newborn baby may be placed in foster care under state custody with the intention of rehabilitating the genetic/birth mother. This intent usually is not realized. A similar situation exists with children whose mothers are incarcerated with the expectation of maintaining the mothers' custody of their children. A 2009 study by Volunteers of America revealed that after release of their mothers from prison 81% of their children remained with their caregivers and did not live with their mothers.

Women and girls who give birth can decline parenthood by voluntary revocation of their parental rights through a Termination of Parental Rights proceeding to allow for adoption. Paradoxically, implicit recognition that minors do not have the judgment required for parenthood is reflected in the fact that minors require a guardian ad litem in order to terminate their parental rights and an adult or institutional payee to receive Temporary Aid to Families with Dependent Children benefits. An involuntary Termination of Parental Rights can be initiated after reasonable efforts to help parents meet return conditions have failed. Mothers' parental rights also can be terminated automatically at childbirth under circumstances such as previous involuntary terminations or murder of a sibling. In some states, third parties like foster parents can petition for the termination of genetic parental rights.

The Rights of Fathers
Unlike maternity, substantial Constitutional guidance has been provided for states in determining paternity. States must insure that men have the opportunity to seek to establish paternity. A genetic connection and a relationship with a child (or the effort to establish one) are necessary for Constitutional protection of a paternity claim.

To claim parental rights, males must register with putative father registries within varying time frames. Agencies are required to notify putative fathers of the mothers' adoption plans. Questions arise about the feasibility of making fathers aware of their need to register. In situations where genetic fathers don't want to acknowledge fatherhood, state agencies try to establish paternity through genetic testing, other biological evidence or acknowledgement by the mother or the father in order to seek child support payments.

A father's genetic tie can be overridden when a child's interests are better served by a man who is married to the mother and who has established a relationship with the child. In the 1989 U.S. Supreme Court case Michael H. v. Gerald D., the genetic father of a child produced during an adulterous relationship was denied paternity in favor of the father who was actually raising the child.

Parental Liability
The common-law doctrine of parental immunity has maintained that, in the absence of willful and wanton misconduct, children cannot sue their parents for negligence. In response to the magnitude of child neglect and abuse, most states and courts are beginning to define parental liability. As long ago as l963, an Illinois Appeals Court heard Zepeda v. Zepeda in which a child sued his father for having caused him to be born out of wedlock. Although that suit was unsuccessful, it raised the issue of a child's legal right to be wanted, loved and nurtured... in essence, to be competently parented.

Children have successfully sued their parents for negligence and have brought actions against third parties who alienate a parent from the family. In l992 in Orlando, Florida, eleven-year-old Gregory Kingsley legally "divorced" his mother so he could be adopted by his foster parents.

The Parens Patriae Doctrine
The most significant fact justifying state involvement is that children do not choose the families into which they are born. The parens patriae doctrine justifies state intervention as a part of the parent-society contract. Parens patriae is Latin for "father of the people." The doctrine grants the inherent power and authority of the state to protect people who are legally unable to act on their own behalf. It gives state courts the ultimate power to terminate parental rights and is based on three assumptions:

• Childhood and adolescence are periods of dependency and require supervision.
• The family is of primary importance but the state should play a role in a child's education and intervene when the family fails to provide adequate nurturance, moral training or supervision.
• When parents disagree or fail to exercise their authority, the appropriate authority to determine a child's or an adolescent's interests is a public official.

The parens patriae doctrine empowers the state to compel parents and minors to act in ways that are beneficial to society. It never presumed that the state would assume parenting functions. Instead, the state is responsible for protecting the best interests of children under the guidance of two principles:

• The wellbeing of society depends upon children being educated and not being exploited.
• A child's developmental needs for nurturance and protection are defined by child neglect and abuse statutes.

A 1985 decision by Canada's Supreme Court made a child's welfare paramount in disputes between genetic parents and third parties. In King v. Low, the Court stated that although the genetic parents' claims would receive serious consideration, they must give way to the best interests of the children when the children have developed close psychological ties with another individual. This view is taking hold in American courts as well.

Our legal system distinguishes between what parents can do to themselves and what they can do to their children. For example, parents can refuse essential medical treatment themselves but usually aren't allowed to do the same with their children. They also aren't permitted to physically harm their children, nor can they allow children to physically harm themselves.

Parents who fail to provide a minimum level of care, who abandon their children or who fail to provide supervision can be found guilty of neglect. Parents who physically, emotionally or sexually abuse their children can be found guilty of abuse. Parents who have been convicted of a serious crime, who abuse drugs or alcohol or who cannot meet return conditions after their children have been removed can be found unfit as parents. When persons cannot be persuaded or educated to become competent parents within a certain period of time, parental rights can be terminated to enable adoption.

State Liability
Despite the parens patriae doctrine, the liability of the state if it does not protect minors has not been clearly defined. In l989, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in DeShaney v. Winnebago County Department of Social Services that the state is not required by the Fourteenth Amendment to protect the life, liberty or property of its citizens against invasion by private actors.

Joshua DeShaney suffered brain damage from repeated beatings by his father at the age of four. As a result Joshua was expected to remain institutionalized for life. The U.S. Supreme Court rejected arguments that the state had a duty to protect Joshua because it once placed him in foster care and later because social workers suspected he was being abused by his father but took no action. It held that only "when the state takes a person into its custody and holds him there against his will" does the Fourteenth Amendment due process clause require officials to take responsibility for the individual's safety and wellbeing. At the same time, the Court did not rule out the possibility that the state acquired a duty to protect Joshua under tort law.

An appellate court in California upheld a local court's dismissal of a suit by a seventeen-year-old who alleged damage by mismanagement of his adoption as a newborn:

At the age of 17, Dennis Smith filed a complaint against the Alameda County Social Services Department alleging the agency was liable for damages because it failed to find an adoptive home when his mother gave him to the Department for the purpose of adoption shortly after his birth. The Department placed Dennis in a series of foster homes, but no one adopted him.

Dennis claimed that the Department negligently or intentionally failed to take reasonable actions to bring about his adoption. Therefore, he was deprived of proper and effective parental care and guidance and a secure family environment. Dennis alleged that this caused him mental and emotional damage.

The dismissal of Dennis' complaint was upheld in appellate court on a number of grounds, including the difficulty in directly linking his damage to the failure to arrange for his adoption. The court implied that liability could result with more convincing links between early life experience and later outcomes.

Cook County, Illinois, settled a claim out of court by an eighteen-year-old boy over the negligence of county social workers. In this case, the link between professional practices and damage to Billy Nichols apparently was made effectively:

In December of 1981, attorneys for the State of Illinois and Cook County paid $150,000 in an out-of-court settlement of a suit of a former dependent child, Billy Nichols, who had been entrusted to the child-welfare system and later as an adult sued the county social service agency for the negligence of social workers that kept Billy dependent and unfit to live in society.

On September l9, l960, Billy and his seven-month-old sister were abandoned by their mother and found eating garbage behind a skid-row mission in Chicago. Billy's age (approximately five) was unknown, and his speech was unintelligible. He was sent to an institution for the retarded in Michigan for four years. After a subsequent stormy foster-home placement, he was placed in Cook County's juvenile security prison for nearly three years, although the superintendent repeatedly petitioned the court to remove him.

In l969, a legal aid lawyer, Pat Murphy, filed a class-action suit to release dependent and neglected children from prison on behalf of Billy. At 14, Billy was transferred to Elgin State Hospital, where he ran away ten times and was committed to the Illinois Security Hospital at Chester at the age of 18. Three years later Attorney Murphy intervened to enroll Nichols in a psychiatric program for two years, until he was jailed for car theft.

Lawsuits continue to attempt to redress the adverse impact of foster care. Class action suits have been used to force improvements in child welfare services. In 1993 a class action suit was filed by the American Civil Liberties Union and the Children's Rights Project, Inc., against Milwaukee County and the state of Wisconsin for failing to adequately protect children. In response, the duties and authority of child welfare services were transferred from the county to a state Bureau of Milwaukee Child Welfare.

The Right to be a Competent Parent
To say that a parent has a right to be competent might stretch the notion of rights too far. However, the logic for this right in our society is compelling and worth considering.

First of all, by definition the child-parent unit is irreducible. One half of the unit is a parent, and one half is a child. The interests of children and the interests of parents are inseparable, and both derive from a child's goal of responsible citizenship.

When parents face dangerous environments, poverty, unemployment, illness or mental incapacities, their children inevitably face the same problems along with the risk of incompetent parenting. If children's interests are to be fulfilled, the interests of parents must also be taken into account. If children have a moral right to be competently parented, then parents have a moral right to be competent if they are not under the legal or physical custody of others.

A second reason is that the integrity of society itself depends upon competent parents. Incompetent parents threaten the stability of society and incur enormous public costs. Therefore, in this view becoming a competent parent deserves the status of a right.

Third, human beings have a genetic predisposition to parent competently in order to ensure the survival of our species. The goal of the reproductive cycle is parenthood, not just procreation.
Conceiving and giving birth initiate parenthood as the fruition of the parents' own developmental stages of childhood, adolescence and adulthood. In the most fundamental sense, competent parenthood fulfills the role of a woman or a man in the reproductive cycle. In order to preserve humanity and our society, adults have a right to fulfill their reproductive and parental potentials and for the state to help them become competent parents when possible.

Balancing the Rights of Parents and Minors
The essence of childhood at the beginning of the Twentieth Century was its dependency. Competent parents respected this dependency by judiciously exercising their authority. In the second half of the Twentieth Century, parental authority declined. As a result, childrearing has become a negotiation between parent and child with state and other agencies monitoring the process.

In the past, children were assumed to have capabilities we now rarely think they have because their labor was needed to help a family survive. In our efforts to give our children enjoyable childhoods, we tend to downplay their developmental need to assume responsibilities and obligations. Much confusion about adolescence is caused by stressful conflicts between adolescents' rights and their obligations to their parents. This highlights minors' responsibility to accept parental authority and to cooperate with their parents.

In some ways, the contemporary adolescent quest for independence represents a return to the time in which childhood did not extend beyond fourteen. The difference is that in earlier centuries persons were economically productive at the age of fourteen and were not capable of reproduction whereas now they have an increasing number of years, often beyond adulthood, before they become economically productive.

The shift in power from adults to children and adolescents has emotional and economic repercussions. Parents may now look to their offspring for emotional support and give them excessive material goods that stress family finances. This shift includes the ability of children and adolescents to bring legal proceedings against their parents for alleged abuse without justification. All of this has eroded parental authority. This trend toward overindulgence is further abetted by the exploitation of adolescents as consumers.

Although our tradition of individual autonomy has largely kept government out of the family, the law is moving toward defining the limits of parental power. The Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Act of 1974 removed "status offenses" of incorrigibility and running away from juvenile delinquency. They are now regarded as related to inadequate or inappropriate parental authority rather than as acts stemming solely from the adolescents. The focus has shifted to therapeutic interventions.

When family matters are brought into the legal system, the interests of children, parents and the state need to be carefully identified and balanced to determine the appropriate rule of law.

Valuing the Parental Rights of Competent Parents
If all parents and child-serving institutions served children's developmental interests, the issue of parental rights seldom would be raised.

Parental rights are no longer based on the presumption that children are property. Legal and physical custodial rights enable parents to discharge their responsibilities in a parent-society contract that provides a strong moral imperative for public efforts to ensure children's safety and quality of life. Parental rights really are prerogatives essential for discharging the duties of parenthood.

A shift from the rights of parents to the best interests of children has gradually emerged in our courts. Parents who fail to meet specified conditions can have their parental rights terminated to permit adoption of a child. Most states have set aside the parental immunity doctrine so that children can sue their parents under certain circumstances.

We can balance the interests of children, parents and the state if we truly value competent parents.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7843213
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How To Be An Amazing Parent

How To Be An Amazing Parent
No matter what your amazing life is right now or will become later you will encounter children. Even though you may decide not to have children yourself, I'm certain you have met children and thought to yourself, how did that happen.

I met a woman who made me smile when she told me, "Patrick I do love children, I just can't eat a whole one"

Many parents I meet have made the biggest mistake in their lives by placing more importance on the pursuit of money than on their children. Parents work long hours and children suffer. Never put money before children or your spouse, not if you want a loving relationship and an amazing life.

Some people ask how the art of lovemaking can make a child that has turned out to be such a monster. Well instead of you having to go out and purchase a book on parenting, I've included how to become an amazing parent here for you.

If you are currently struggling to work out how to love and guide your children, then this chapter will give you the answers. While you are absorbing this I may smash a few myths about parenting along the way. So just read the principles and then you will understand when children become completely lost we can rescue them.

Every day I attend my office I find myself face to face with a parent. 90% of the time it will be a mother. She will explain to me in great detail what she thinks (guesses) is wrong with her child. Then will ask me if I would like to talk to the child to see if I can fix "it". She then walks outside and brings the child in to sit in my office while she goes outside and waits.

The expectation then of course is that the child who just walked in won't be the same child when it walks out again. Somehow I am going to "fix" this child, because obviously it's broken. Well at least that's what the mothers told me, and I have about twenty minutes to accomplish this.

So the first thing I do is remember all my training over all these years and then that little Mexican man named Cesar Millan (the dog whisperer). You can't imagine this famous television dog trainer training the dog and not the owner can you? Well in my office when it comes to training children, it involves the parents much more than the child. Just like my friend Cesar, he knows that the dog has been trained to behave in a certain way and he needs to retrain the dog owner. I need to retrain the parent as well as the child. That shouldn't be a surprise at all. Not many parents have been on training programs on how to raise a child.

In these following examples I am talking about children from the age of 8 years upwards. With the young ones ranging from 8 to 15 I can still get away with the trusted story of bank building. This is where I tell the children that no matter what they want in life, whether it's right now, at the weekend or next year, the only way the parents will say yes is if they have built enough good bankable currency to get a yes.

The Amazing Bank Technique
Here's how easy and profound it is. Children as we would agree need both discipline and praise. By the way I use praise 90% of the time, it's easier to look for and works 100% more for the child. Most parents I meet never understand praise and what it does for the child. They are too busy looking and expecting all the wrong things to happen. Yet again as I have been saying throughout this book, it is a trick of the mind, this time by the parent.

I first set up the child to understand that they need to do things around the house for free. This means jobs, any jobs they can handle. This teaches a child to contribute to the family and the household. Then once the chores are done I want the child to look for ways to build a bank of currency by way of more jobs but this time they will use the extra jobs they do as currency.

Here's how it works:
I was asked to help a 14 year old girl who didn't get this at all. She wanted no part of my plan at all, until I said, "I'm the only person on earth who can get your parents off your back". This got her attention. From there I explained how she would need to work very hard to reinstate herself in the family so she could be trusted by both parents again.

She had a history of running out of school, not doing homework, bad grades and using bad language. All of which remember had been trained. I managed to find the missing part of this little girls puzzle by listening to her, something she told me her parents never did. She would tell me that every time she attempted to tell her parents how she felt, they simply shouted at her and told her to go to her room.

So now motivated and looking forward to the next two weeks of hard work and looking for opportunities to do even more tasks for her parents this young child left happy. I didn't say a word to the mother.

Two weeks later the mother arrived back with her daughter and began to tell me how much the child had changed. The mother went on to tell me that her daughter had begun to work around the house, was being nice to her brother and sister and staying at school. When it was the daughters turn to come in she was angry and upset. She told me she had done all I had suggested but that her parents had not said well done or anything.

This is typical of many parents who don't even know how to give praise, let alone see times when the child needs praise. I spent most time with the mother explaining my idea of her daughter building a bank of jobs and good behaviour in exchange for special treats like having a friend over to stay the night. The mother went away and began to praise her child even more. They were both very happy the last time they came in all because we retrained both of them to look at life differently.

Change What Doesn't Work
Jack was an 8 year-old boy out of control (mothers description) who attended my practice for anger issues. The story was that the mother had lost control and Jack was winning and loving every minute of it. When I asked the mother if Jack misbehaved in front of his dad, the answer was no.

This is a very popular situation and often can cause big trouble in the marriage or partnership. The child's view of his father is very different from the view he has of his mother.

Little Jack had his mother running scared, the mother forgot who was the adult. She spent most of her day running after him, literally. If she was trying to get him to school on time he would be too quick for her and run around the house with her chasing and yelling at him.

However if dad was home little Jack was an angel. Do you get what's happening in this household? Yes Jack is in charge and mum is not.

My work had to begin with mum. I found out that mum did most of the parenting while dad was at work. However dad was fed up with mum because she couldn't control the child, so the parents were in crisis.

The simple difference here was one parent represented fear to young Jack while the other parent didn't. The dad would just have to look at the child and Jack did what he was told. Mum however had to scream, chase and often smack Jack to get him to behave.

Of course like all mums do she would attempt to sit Jack down and talk to him about why he should have behaved. This technique of talking to a young child using adult language like the word respect does not work. She did this all the time and all the time it didn't work, she kept doing it.

Please remember this as long as you live your amazing life. When it comes to children and behaviour fear is a greater motivator of than pain.

The dad produced fear in Jack and the mother produced pain. In screaming, chasing and smacking Jack all mum produced was short-term pain that only slowed Jack down.

It also trained Jack to never look for any other attention other than pain. He became used to the smacks and the screams.

I always ask every parent this question. "Did you treat your parents with this much disrespect when you were that age"?

Don't allow your child to be disrespectful
It still amazes me that while a mother is in the midst of telling me how disgustingly rude and disrespectful her child is she still doesn't get it. I have interrupted literally thousands of parents and asked that question and the parent will almost always say, "No way". When I ask the parent why they didn't abuse their own parents they normally tell me they were TOO AFRAID. So of course I can't help myself and I just have to ask the obvious question. So WHY do you continue to let the little child do it then?

The most common answer I hear is! "I don't know why".
The real answer was they became afraid themselves as parents. That's why they teach bad manners to their children. The parents become so afraid that in their mind it would be easier to let the child misbehave than have to tackle it head on.

A child needs your love yes, but you need to train that child. The problem is it's the other way around.

Let me explain...

I had two parents of a wild 15 year-old girl arrive at my office in tears. Monica by their account was without a doubt totally in control of both parents. She had obviously had similar training at an early age just like young Jack. Both parents had run out of ideas. Here is what they had told me they had done so far to change the girl's behaviour.

1 Taken away her mobile phone

Why does a 15 year-old child need a mobile phone I hear you say to yourself?

2 Grounded her, which means not going out other than school

3 Stopped her from going on the computer and internet

So that was it, that was all they had done and they sat in my office, the mother with tears rolling down her cheeks and the father the same. I had them understand that here they were sat in my office with the weight of the world on their shoulders and their daughter was running their lives and loving it.

I didn't even have to see the child. It was the parents that needed more help, so here is what I told them to do. Now I already knew how they would react to what I was about to suggest in the way of new strategies, but I also knew that from years of doing it this way, it would give us the correct outcome.

I began by telling them that her bedroom door needed to be removed then all of her clothes had to go. Then any trinkets, other furniture and makeup, all had to go. They were to empty the child's room until all that was left was a mattress on the floor and her school uniform. They had to make sure all the rest was taken to another place.

While I was outlining this strategy the two parents were looking even more afraid than when they walked in. Then I told them to telephone all of their daughter's friend's parents and let them know that under no circumstances were they to allow their daughter in to their house if she was to run away again.

As I continued with my plan the mother couldn't cope any longer and had to interrupt. I was waiting for her. Imagine this, here is me jumping out of my chair and writing on the big whiteboard all the things we were going to do to their precious little baby!!!

The mother didn't disappoint me. Just like others before her she made attempts to let me know why they couldn't do what I was asking them to do. Even the father jumped in and said he thought the whole door thing was a little tough.

Now this happens every day in my office so you will have to forgive me for sounding a little tough here, but this always delivers the state of mind in the parents so I need to help them further.

I began to scream and shout at the top of my lungs at both of them. How dare you both tell me what you can and cannot do, what sort of parents are you anyway? Are you bad parents then, is that is? Do you hit her all the time? Do you give up on her because you can't get past your own feelings? Is that it? Are you hiding behind your own poor me attitude?

As I continued my rant I was in fact helping them get into a state of extreme fear and panic. Remember humans make up thoughts and emotions that produce behaviour. These parents with the help of Monica had created an entire state of chaos and through perceived fear couldn't parent the child.

Both parents began to defend and make excuses saying I was taking it too far and that the punishment didn't fit the crime. I was even more incensed than before. Now they were telling me that Monica, a 15 year-old girl who swears and abuses her family and drinks and smokes and stays out all night doesn't deserve any punishment. I hadn't even called it punishment, they did and the reason they called it punishment was because they couldn't bring themselves to do anything about it.

Now that the three of us were in the middle of a heated debate and both parents were in a state of fear and dread I wanted to make sure they knew I was serious about sorting this mess out. So I finished off by telling them that if they didn't do as they were told I'd make sure the authorities found out from my report that they were both terrible parents.

The reaction was the same as all the rest, they stopped, looked pale and their breathing became intense, just like a panic attack. Now was the moment that would change their lives forever.

Unknown to them during our little heated debate the mother kept putting her left arm onto her chest and breathing shallow every time I suggested things she should be doing. The father was similar as his tummy was busy moving in and out at the thought of removing his daughter's bedroom door.

So I had the mother sit in my big black "magic chair". I call it magic because that's where the magic of change often happens. I had her tell me where she felt the dread and fear inside her and as expected it was in her chest. I had her close her eyes, see the image that helped her become afraid. Then I had her shrink that image smaller and smaller until it was the size of a "postage stamp", then blow it away. As she was doing that I had her rub her chest side ways across with her hand.

When she opened her eyes the fear had gone completely. I then did the same with the father and his result was the same, his fear had gone. Now I had sat in my office two parents with no fear at all. I have to do the same technique with every parent that brings in a child that has become out of control.

This I might add was the start of their change of view. Now with two parents who were not afraid anymore the task at hand became more manageable. They both listened to all the careful instructions and plans I had laid out for them both to do and they were to come back a week later.

Now you can see why I needed to have these parents truly feel and experience the pain they were going through at that moment. I cannot cure a phobia of spiders unless I have a spider to use to make sure the person really feels the emotion, even though you now know we make all these fears up by ourselves. I can't help someone overcome a fear of heights unless they make an attempt to be up high with me.

These parents began their conversation believing that Monica at 15 years of age was out of control and they didn't know how to stop it. It all became very painful emotionally and overcome with these made up emotions, the parents couldn't cope. Now they could understand their contribution to what didn't work before.

By having the parents reach a height of panic and anxiety that was as real as they could feel, it had a much more powerful affect when the fear is removed so quickly. I was then able to dismantle that feeling in a heartbeat.

It is so rewarding to see parents after this first session, which I fondly call "Imposing Sanctions". I have my brother in-law Keith to thank for that one by the way. This particular couple were even more joy to work with because they truly loved not only their daughter, but each other. Sometimes I'm faced with a couple that have lost the love they once had for each other, so then they communicate differently with the children, which can cause all sorts of problems. If a couple are not together on this it is very difficult to accomplish a complete turn around of bad behaviour by parents and children alike.

When they arrived back they had smiles on their faces which is always a good sign for me. They told me the child had reacted exactly as I had predicted. She had screamed loudly, thrown things around the house and ran away to her best friends place. However the best friends mum had done as Monica's parents asked and not allowed her to stay in their home. Once again I see these techniques bring success to parents.

Now a point here...

There is almost always one person, normally a female (sorry no disrespect meant) who for personal reasons feels the need to become mother Teresa the second. You know the one I mean. She is normally a single mother (nothing wrong with them by the way) who is in desperate need of love and attention herself.

She will be the one who no matter what a parent might tell her, knows best and will no matter what you tell her she can't do, will take your child in for the night. She gets off on it. She craves this feeling she gets when a child runs away from home only to find refuge in her house. It is real and there are women who believe they should do this.

I had warned this couple that if they had one of these in their community then their daughter would know who she was and go there. Sure enough their daughter knew about this woman and tried to enter but this couple had taken notes and remembered. Cleverly the parents had asked a close friend to go and see this woman that night, so you can imagine the feeling this 15 year-old girl had when she had exhausted all other places to go, only to discover her mothers best friend was there and demanded she leave at once. This woman was also able to explain to Mother Teresa the second that everything was going according to plan and there was no need for her to worry. Poor dear!!

The couple attended to every detail, they locked up their home like a fortress, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Sure they sat there worried, but they had each other to talk to and reassure that what they were doing was for the good of their child.

Now please remember this was a kid who knew her way around the streets, she was no angel of innocence. For the past two years she had broken away, put fear into her parents and walked the streets. However I was changing her little game. I had done this with hundreds of parents and when the parents carried out the plan to the letter it always worked. Always.

They told me just on 1.30am in the early morning they heard a knock on the back door and it was her. They remembered what to do. Both went to the door and didn't open it, but asked who was there. The daughter answered and the parent's job was to listen to her voice and make sure they heard something other than anger.

I didn't want them to see her, just listen to her voice first. The daughter was weeping, she had walked everywhere she could to seek shelter and friends but found no one. It was in the middle of winter and the child had run out in a fit of anger and didn't take any warm clothing. Well her parents go rid of everything remember!

How different was that to the times she had ran away and gloated to her friends about how she could do what she wanted to?

The parents said they were convinced that their daughter was genuine in her tears and upon that they went about their next part. I use the house door as a symbol, I wanted the child to really understand and feel what it was like to have no where to go and that if she was smart she would return home a different child.

Before opening the door the parents outlined what her life would be like this time around. They had their list of requests and "must haves" in order to let her back into the house and back into the family.

If she agreed to these then they would open the door and they would all start with a clean sheet, no nagging and bringing up old issues. If she didn't agree then they would turn the light off and go back to sleep, leaving her on her own.

No wonder they were smiling, I was by then, they had been brilliant. However to my surprise the father moved to the door of my office and opened it and in walked this 15 year-old daughter of theirs. I was totally surprised and wondering if I was about to get a yelling at from her when she walked over and gave me a hug and said, "Mum and Dad told me you put our family back together for us, thank you so much". Well I can honestly tell you there wasn't a dry eye in the office after that, even the parents hadn't thought she would say that.

This family in crisis felt the same emotional pain millions of other families do across our planet. My hope in telling you about this family is to let you know there is such a thing as a happy family and if your family is in crisis the number one thing to remember is:

Don't trick your mind into thinking the child will do terrible things if you don't let them have what they want. Children have to grow, they have to test and understand emotions. I've heard just about all the threats a child can offer to a parent and to me.

The child can and does attempt to convince their parents that these idle threats will be carried out. Once you give in to these "so called" threats, you have just trained that child to use them against you.

If for any reason you are dealing with your child and you suddenly feel anxious or fearful, instantly remove the feeling before you continue the conversation. I'VE SHOWN YOU HOW TO DO THAT. If you don't you will believe the child will harm itself and then YOU will become a parent afraid to discipline the child or give it a wonderful loving childhood, because you are coming from a view of fear and what if. Don't get fooled by threats of a child, these threats are really cries for help and they need their parents to take massive action to change things.

For example, an 11 to 16 year old wants to know if they fit in with others. This becomes their primary important priority in their life at this age. So communicate with them on this topic often so you can reassure them that they do in fact fit in.

Remember once children go to school

YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THEIR LIFE ANYMORE.

I realise that this may come as a shock to some parents but please understand. Your love as a parent has to be a love of allowing, allowing them to fall, so they may get back up, a love of allowing them to fail, so they alone can work out how to succeed. Only then have you prepared your child for adulthood effectively.

All parents want so much more for their children and sometimes that love can blind them. Parents often use the phrase, "I just want to give my children what I never had". In saying this though I believe we should be teaching them how to be happy for no reason rather than attempting to run a comparison on how our own childhood was. It should have no meaning to your own child's life, but we know it does. The best way to teach your children to live an amazing life, is to live one yourself. Teach by doing not by saying.

If you over compensate in order to rid yourself of the guilt and shame you still feel because of your own childhood, your child will suffer.

Over protective parents can ruin a young life before it has a chance to blossom. Love your children yes, but give them the freedom to learn from their actions and to take responsibility for their actions.

I used to read to my four sons when they were young and when I could I would always bring in a new book but make up the story rather than read the book. As my sons grew up I would tell them stories about what it was like when their great, great grandfather was alive, then about my life as a young boy their age.

They heard stories about how people would have to stand in a line all day in the pouring rain just to buy sugar. Times like that in our planets evolution that should teach lessons to future generations.

Today my sons are fathers and they often mention that those stories really grounded them and made them feel grateful and appreciate what they had and to understand what others didn't have.

My sons today as father's battle the minefields of mobile phones, internet and social network websites with their own children. I remind them to let their children know that once we could all walk down the high street shopping and if anyone was thirsty we would stop at one of the many drink fountains scattered along the street for a drink of FREE water. Today they build massive complexes and round you up in concrete shopping malls where the only place you can get water is out of a plastic bottle that costs you a fortune.

Here's the real issue. As the world continues to change so too should your skills as a parent.

Amazing Love Of A Child
TODAY it's the parents who NEED the love of the child because the parent isn't living an amazing life. Many of the parents I see have shattered relationships and marriages and highly stressful lives. So in order to have love the parent craves for the love of their child at any cost. Then when it's time to say no to the child and mean no the parent can't. Now we have a guilty parent and an out of control child being trained by the unwitting parent.

I can't remember how many smart little children have sat in my office and told me about how useless their parents are. They tell me things like "Patrick, my parents take my IPOD from me for being naughty. They say it's gone for a week, but I know I'll have it back in two days, Mum always gives in".

This is the type of parenting that confuses a child and trains them that the parent doesn't mean what is said and therefore they can do anything they want.

Parents live in fear of many things today. You don't need to believe that trick. Stop, don't buy the myth of the child's threat. Instead be that honest reliable parent. This rubbish and politically correct phrase that the child has rights has been well over used.

No one has ever stopped me from filming or taking pictures of my children or grandchild. Plenty have tried but I told them to go away or else.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PARENTS NOT A FRIEND

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6890499
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Four Letter Words Every Parent Should Use

Four Letter Words Every Parent Should Use
Rearing children has never been an easy task. Children are human beings in an underdeveloped state and just like their adult counterparts; they exhibit personality traits that can be challenging. Unfortunately, more and more parents are opting for the easy way out and not promoting healthy development in their children. More and more parents are focusing on the intellectual and athletic development of the child ignoring the psychological and sociological development. What is a parent to do? Are there enough words to help develop a truly well rounded adult? Below you will find the best four letter words every parent should use to rear healthy, competent, loving, and happy children.

TIME


"Quality Time vs. Quantity Time" has been kicked around for two decades as a way of absolving parents from their key responsibility: rearing their children. Bussing children around from one sporting event to another is not quality time. Only one in 16,000 children will grow up to be a professional athlete. How many "Hall of Famers" have you heard thank their little league coaches? Unless that person was a parent, the answer is none. How many wealthy men have left their fortune to any of these groups? However, wealthy men who left vast amounts of money to the Boy Scouts of America for the same reason: promotion of values, family involvement, and civic involvement. A parent must ask the following questions: Why am I carting my children off to all these events? Is it truly for the child or are you living vicariously through the child? Are you using your child as a status symbol? When we are together, are we talking about the child, or the activity? One last question, ask your child what the child would love to do if the child could choose the activity. If your child truly thinks of you as a parent and not a dictator (one who dictates activities) then the answer might surprise you.

PLAY


Playing is a child's work. It is through play that a child discovers and develops certain skills. A two-year-old needs to learn how to roll a ball back and forth, and preliminary social skills not the alphabet. A parrot can memorize the alphabet, and a chimpanzee can learn sign language. There is no great skill or higher intelligence in that. Playing is a child's version of stress release. It seems odd that someone who in 1968 could enter first grade without knowing how to read, attend a school day that included two fifteen minute recesses and an hour lunch, during a school year that began the day after Labor Day and concluded before Memorial Day and still grow-up to graduate college and end up a CEO of a major company. Why do we think that play is a waste of time? Play is fun. It makes you laugh thus lowering blood pressure, includes using various muscle groups through activity which keeps weight down, and is multi-dynamic: teaches life lessons, sharing, patience, reading, problem solving, arithmetic, rhythm, strategy, cause and effect, decision making, honor, self-worth, dignity, self-esteem, etc. Anytime a child plays any game, even if alone, a valuable lesson is learned. Just because a self-absorbed workaholic parent cannot see that does not make it less true. It is even more important for children to have parents play with them. Educational television is the poorest substitute for parental involvement, the parent is the primary educator in a child's life. Do you really want your child to talk about playtime with an animated character as the happiest childhood memory?

Video games only count if they last for an hour or less, and the whole family is actively involved. A child that spends more than an hour, and worse, alone playing video game does not gain any tangible intellectual, physiological, psychological, or sociological reward. Bill Gates does not own a video game system.

TALK/DINE


Children want parents to talk with them, even when they say, "Nothing" or "I don't want to talk about it." How will a child know what is important in life if the parent will not talk to the child? One of the best times to talk with your child is at the dinner table, not in some restaurant, fast or five stars, but in the safety and quiet of home. Home is safe base; it is a time for the child to have the parent alone. Practice rephrasing questions so that they are open-ended, cannot be answered with "yes" or "no." Parents need to listen to their children and talking with them about their day even if the events may not seem important or educationally sound to you. It does not matter the child's nationality, creed, race, or favorite team most of them will answer this question the same way:

PARENT: "What did you do in school today?"
CHILD: "Nothin' "

It is surprising how many parents accept that answer carte blanche. Many adults answer that question the same way when "work" is substituted for "school." The reason is simple, school is repetitive, the same subjects everyday. The child is just regurgitating an auto response. The teacher or teachers are teaching and the child is learning. Try reframing: "Did anything new, exciting, interesting, insane happen today?" The humor of the question will flip the auto switch off, and the choices will hit upon a memory. Unfortunately, parents want to hear about the joys of arithmetic, writing, reading a classic. If parents will honestly recall their own childhood, they will remember that PE, art, recess, etc. were their favorite times, too. The object is to accept this answer, expound upon it and lead the child toward the academics. Share some of your own experiences, good and bad.

Let your children know what you value and why. Why must the child make all As? Is it for a better future for them, or parental bragging rights at work? Studies have shown repeatedly that the B-C student is the most successful in life because the student understand failure is transitory and the student has the power, ability, to effect change upon the grade; the student is not the grade.

PRAY


It is not the fact that God has been removed from schools but that parents have removed Him from the home. A child who is given a spiritual support system tends to handle the difficult moments in life. The world is not worse, contrary to popular belief; however, the coping skills are nonexistent. Everyone needs to know that there is a Higher Force in control when they have lost control. It does not matter how this Higher Force manifests itself as long as it is positive. A centering prayer is a good way to help a child refocus when Life throws a curve ball. Prayer can give a parent the needed time to rephrase before reacting in a harmful manner, whether physically or verbally.

Pray with your child, for your child, for yourself, for others who encounter your child.

WORK/EARN


Children need to learn that money, privileges, items, grades, etc. are earned not owed. Children get a true feeling of accomplishment when they work and earn something. A parent does not help a child by giving the child everything the child wants without earning it. A baby chick that is helped out of the shell instead of pecking its way out is not strong enough to survive. It is true with children who never learn the value and accomplishment of earning something through work. A parent who completes a child's homework because the child says it is too difficult sends one of two messages: the child is not capable of completing the work, or the parent is a tool to be manipulated. Work with the child, reframe for the child, teach the child to ask the teacher for help, but do not complete the assignment for the child. Often a child is frightened of failure, or the unknown outcome and is looking for reassurance from the parent. When a parent gives in the child's unspoken fear is now validated: I'm not smart/strong/good enough.

LOVE


You may not always like your children but you must always love them. It is important that parents tell children often that they love them. All children go through periods of doubt, especially when they have committed some offense. Children do not always "know" that parents love them. If a parent cannot say the words, "I love you," to a child something is wrong and the child will interpret it as rejection. Things are not love, love belongs to people not to things. It is not money that is the root of all evil but the love of money. A child will reciprocate to the world the love received at home.

Lust is not love. Children need to learn that sexual desire does not equate love. If a child is not shown love at home, hugs for example, then the child will seek that physical connection somewhere else. Children need to be loved in a safe and accepting environment in order to grow into loving adults.

Love carries an obligation to be good, kind, and gentle to those who are weaker. Love means that, though someone makes you angry you have no right to harm them or hate them. As a parent, you need to teach your child to let go of the hate and anger created by the child's actions or the actions of others. Love does conquer all but you have to let go of hurt feelings to experience that caused the anger.

HOPE


Children need to know that "the sun will come out tomorrow." Children need to know that no matter how hard a situation becomes it will get better, it might take some time, but it will get better. Children need to know that they are a parent's hope for the future. The parent knows the world will be better because they are in it. The truth is because of hope the world will get better.

LIFE


Life is not fair. Life is not easy. Life happens. Life is disappointing. Life is boring. Starting in the mid-70s parents decided they needed to protect children from Life. You cannot. Children need to experience life in order to learn how to navigate past the difficult parts. Children who are taught they can say or do anything they wish without consequences fail in life. Life means "no" more times than "yes." The work force has taken a serious turn toward the worst because children have not learn the meaning of "no," discipline, responsibility, honor, pride, or love.

Life is beautiful because other people share in it. Life offers many fulfilling opportunities the most important of which is the number of diverse people in it. Life is rewarding because of the beauty it holds through Nature. Life is worth living because of every single life each person touches whether the other person realizes it at the time or not. Every child's life has a purpose and it is the obligation of every parent to encourage every child to seek and fulfill that purpose.

REAL


Aging teaches children the difference between reality and fantasy as long as the parent guides the child through the process. It is not reality to give children everything they want because that is not Life. Children who do not learn that there is a hierarchy will fail to become productive in the business world. The real world teaches everyone that there will always be someone else to whom they answer. Even someone who owns a business is accountable to suppliers and customers. The real world proves every day that an adult who throws a tantrum is either mentally ill or immature and not to be taken seriously.

In the real world, there are consequences for actions. Physics, every action has an opposite and equal reaction, cannot be denied forever even if it seems a person has gotten away with an illegal or unethical activity. Every Holy Book has some equivalent of "what goes around comes around." Children need to know that a parent cannot always rescue them from problems of their creation.

WANT/NEED


There is a huge difference between want and need. Children, by their egocentric nature, want everything. However, if a parent provides too many material things to a child at an early age then how does the child learn appreciation or gratitude? If a child needs the latest style in clothes in order to express individuality, or an item because everyone else has one, or a high tag item to fit in and the parent gives in without explanation, then parent has proven to the child material possessions are more important than personal growth.

A prime example of this is the perceived need for portable media devices. There was a time when a family trip afforded the perfect opportunity for families to reconnect. Only family members were allowed because the point was family togetherness. The long drive's entertainment included talking, singing (either to the radio or family songs when the airwaves were not available), arguing, reading, crossword puzzles, or travel size version of board games. Now, however, cars are equipped, or can be equipped with DVD players, each child has an individual handheld video game, several members may have MP3 players, or a member is on the cell phone all this going on in place of true communication. Children literally tuning out the world with their parents on the outside. Even when the family shops children and their parents can be seen ear plugged into MP3 players, and cell phones. It is interesting to note that more and more youth retreats and school field trips no longer allow children to bring their electronic devices. One reason is a security issue; however, behind that is an issue that schools are finally starting to address: personal communication between students.

Children's worlds are by nature egocentric, it is a parent's job to help them ascertain between want and need. Take an inventory of a child's room and see how many wanted items have been set aside and neglected for the latest fad.

FREE


What is a list of four-letter word without the "F" word? The entire list if items are free to every individual and maybe that is the problem. In today's society, most individuals are wary of anything that is free. People have been trained to believe that the most expensive is the best, the most exclusive the ultimate. It is important to understand the essence of the human being: to be love, understood, wanted, and productive. All unhappiness can be found in a shortage in one, or all, of those four. Fortunately, all can be attained and parents are the most important supplier.

All parents want the best for their children. However, the past thirty years have placed modern parenting on shifting sand and maintained this precarious foundation through pseudo-educational-psychological smoke and mirrors. Professional educators, child psychologists, and toy manufacturers have made millions on the backs of well meaning but ill- prepared parents. Stop the decline by introducing four letter words into your child rearing vocabulary.



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